Letters to the Church Magazine : October 2017

Dear Sir

As we say goodbye to Revd Joanna, I would like to reflect on the many things we have learnt from her time with us as curate.

Her sermons were very good, considering she is a woman. Likewise when leading communion, it was almost like she was a real priest. I am sure that the Lambslaughter Benefice will benefit nearly as much from her vision and leadership as if she was a man.

Yours for equal opportunities,

Germaine Johnson, Garage Lane, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I am afraid we have had to cancel the second “Trim Valley Trotters” meeting of the autumn. Jethro’s threatened to shoot on sight any one crossing his land, even using the public footpaths. We tested his resolve last week, and they reckon it will be six weeks before Mr Paget can sit down again.

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

A reminder that this letters page is now available in book form. An ideal Christmas present for the Church goers in your life who have a sense of humour. Available from BRF, Amazon, Southwark Cathedral and all good Christian bookshops.

Yours etc

Eileen Fitzroy-Russell, The Great House, Husborne Crawley

Dear Sir

I would like to thank the people at St Mary’s for the warm welcome they gave me and my family when we came along to the Parish Communion last week.

I don’t suppose we will be back, but it was an interesting experience.

Yours etc

Kiki Grinton, Shandling Street, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

We had a new person attend worship at Woodby Chapel last week. I don’t want to declare it a revival, but these are steps forward!

I’m pleased to say that, within 15 minutes of entering the church, Margot had agreed to go on the tea rota, sing in the choir (making two people), host the Lady’s Bright Hour and be Churchwarden.

Yours etc

Mildred Peabody, Chapel Lane, Woodby Chapel End

Dear Everybody

1st October is the day that Revd Joanna leaves for her new role as incumbent of the Lambslaughter Benefice. We will miss her deeply. Especially when Canon Westcliffe is into the 40-minute mark of a sermon he has been preaching in the Trim Valley every three years since the lectionary changed.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan

Dear Sir

Thinking my experience at Grilsby Church, where I was greeted at the door, might have been an aberration, last week I went to Woodby Church.

They totally ignored me before, throughout and after the service, leaving me in complete peace. What an improvement! Who says Brexit is a failure?

Yours etc

Archie Tulip, Borough Lane, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

With Christmas coming, already the Chocolate Oranges are on offer.

Unwisely I ate six in succession last week, and it did seem to have a strange effect.

I would like to apologise to the people at St Jude’s. It was inappropriate to ask the congregation if they wanted to “tap and unwrap me.”

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I remember the good old days of Great Tremlett! When Father Fyre-Eataugh was the vicar, he ruled with a rod of iron.

I remember that when he died – still in office after 71 years’ service – he left an envelope that was only to be opened if the PCC was unable to come to a conclusion on an important vote.

When opened, the message inside simply said “Change Nothing.” A wise man.

Yours etc

Grimly Ingleton, Furnace End, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Of course we wish Revd Joanna well as she completes her curacy training and leaves to take up the reins in her own parish.

Every Monday at 2pm at “Dunphlebbin” we will now be praying for God to send a replacement curate. Who will be a man. As God intended.

Yours aware of women’s weaknesses (and the vicar’s),

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin”, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Jeb is a superb handyman, but recently I have had to question why every grave he digs costs us £74.22. It is an odd sum of money, as I am sure you will agree.

Therefore I have obtained alternate quotes from various people around the Trim Valley to see if we can get this vital task carried out any more cheaply. It turns out, no we can’t. And now Jeb has found out what I was doing, he has raised his rates to £174.22.

This is not my finest hour.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

We have had a Sydney Carter-written hymn at Woodby Church three weeks running.

I have reported the organist to the UN’s Human Rights Commission. I expect him to be on trial within 6 years.

Yours etc

Bing Bingley, Maypole Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

Psycho Killer
Qu’est-ce que c’est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run run run run run run run away

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Lane, Woodby

Dear Sir

I have just discovered the concept of “tithing.” You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?

Yours etc

Shankly Gates, Hill Meadow, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

As Revd Joanna leaves us for pastures new, I have been moved to poetry.


And so her waiting time is o’er
Joanna won’t be a curate any more
But instead can step abroad a proper incumbent
A priest-in-charge, so she could still be made redundant.

But we shall miss her thoughtful words
As distant, her new flock she herds.
And miss her movements full of grace
And we all thought her cakes were ace.

But know, as to your post you move,
The sands of time are running smooth
And though you hear the future beckoning,
It will all end with a divine reckoning.

Death death death death
Death death death death
Death death death death
Death death death death

Wishing Joanna a joyful and fulfilling future, while she still has health and time to enjoy it.

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby on the Hill


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