The Woodby Chapel Communion Table Incident

Dear Sir

All the furore over altars has left me a little concerned.

As you all know, Woodby Chapel became a Local Ecumenical Parish in the frenzy of the 1970s Ecumenical Movement. And all the Methodists having died of old age has never dampened that ecumenical spirit.

Instead of an altar we had a folding table. But it was broken in the 1986 Beetle Drive Riot.

Do we need a faculty to get a new one? Only I’m not sure I could carry it, what with my back.

Yours etc

Celeste Champsign, Chapel View, Woodby Chapel End

Other Altar-ations

Dear Sir

I’ve seen with horror the appalling behaviour of the Tremlett villages regarding the movement of altars prior to the arrival of the new vicar.

Here in Woodby we have no such nefarious goings-on and sectarian strife. By contrast we maintain both a nave altar and a high altar, and keep everyone happy by the following compromise:

On 1st and 3rd Sundays, the priest celebrates at the nave altar, and then we all go to the high altar to receive communion.

On the 2nd and 4th Sundays, the priest celebrates at the high altar. And then we all go to the nave altar to receive.

On 5th Sundays it’s a benefice combned service, so we all stay at home.

If the new vicar asks, this has been the rule since time immemorial. And not just since February.

Yours etc

Gramsby Grumpling, The Old Gaol, Woodby

The Mobile Altars

Dear Sir

I hear the PCC at Little Tremlett have decided to move to a nave altar during the vacancy, and then swear blind to the incoming vicar that it has always been there. As a result of which 50% of the congregation has walked out. Quite right. Well done to them for their principled refusal to accept these illegal changes.

Meanwhile, congratulations to our PCC at Great Tremlett for making the brave decision to get rid of the nave altar, push the High Altar up against the wall and swear blind to the incoming vicar that it’s always been like that.

As a result of these changes 50% of our congregation have walked out. All splitters and barrack-room lawyers. I would say at least it leaves more space in the pews for the people who’ve left Little Tremlett. But have to admit we had plenty of space as it was.

Yours etc

Fenella Fennel, Sukebind Cottage