Trim Valley Notices w/c 10 December

All services are on today. Canon Westcliff never missed a service, even when he had smallpox. So why should Nathan? Please keep in touch via the benefice Facebook page. It hasn’t been updated since 2013, but that’s the last time it snowed like this. So the pictures should tell you roughly what’s going on.

Sunday (Advent 2) 6pm – Benefice Carol Service, Gt Tremlett

Monday 10am – Christmas Assembly at St Mary’s for the school. Please bring a spade.

Tuesday – Christmas Quiz at the Hanged Man 8pm. First prize a gallon of the house beer

Parish wine and carols – Grilsby, 7pm

Wednesday – Panto rehearsals, Lt Tremlett Hall, 6.30 until the producer throws a wobbly. At which point we retire to the Hanged Man to bitch about him.

Thursday – Guides and Brownies Christmas Party, 7pm, Church Hall, Gt Tremlett. Followed by drinks for the leaders in the Hanged Man.

Melissa Sparrow reads from her Christmas compilation, “Frozen in the Snow”, Gt Tremlett Church, 8pm. Mince pies and Major Dumpling’s “Special Punch”.

Friday -Mince Pies and Wine, the Vicarage, 7pm

Carol Singing, The Quiet Woman, 8pm

Saturday: Choirboy Tipping, St Agnes’s Hill, 3pm. Followed by the traditional “Wine and Wine” party at Woodby Chapel End Reading Room.

Carol Singing, the War Memorial, 5pm. Mulled wine and mince pies provided.

Nativity Play, Woodby, 6pm

Alternative Christingle, Grilsby, 7pm – please bring a pumpkin.

Sunday (Advent 3) – Special sermon – “Advent: a Sober Time to Step Back and Contemplate”.

 


Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious

escaped donkey

that an author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pewsis probably the book for you.

Written by the creator of this blog, with cartoons by Dave Walker. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don’t forget it’s nearly Christmas!

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Trim Valley Notices: w/c 3 December

As we enter the time of Advent, we recognise that it is a quiet time. A reflective time. A time not of celebration: that is for Christmas. But of pausing, repenting, preparing.

Sunday

8pm : Christmas Quiz, Lt Tremlett Church Hall. Please bring your own alcohol.

Monday

Gt Tremlett Quire Christmas Party. 7pm, Church Hall

Woodby Chapel End Ladies’ Bright Hour Christmas Dinner. The Quiet Woman, 7.30pm

Tuesday

Trim Valley Trotters Christmas Dinner. The Hanged Man, 7pm

Wednesday

Christmas Tree Festival starts (till Sunday evening). Fireworks at 6pm, Woodby Green. Mistletoe, wine and mince pies in the Church from 7.

Thursday

Wassailing – Grove’s Orchard, Gt Tremlett, 7pm. Thanks to Mr Grove for supplying the cider brandy.

Friday

St Mary’s School Christmas Show. 7pm

Grilsby Christmas Disco: It’s 80s night! So bring the wine and we’ll supply the misteltoe! 9pm till late in the Church Hall.

Saturday

“Old Time Christmas Fayre”, Woodby Reading Room, 3pm. The Quiet Woman Inn will be supplying their mobile bar. Wuzzy’s West Gallery Angels will be supplying the dance music from 7pm. It’s gonna be a long night!

Christingle, St Mary’s Tremlett, 6pm

Pizza Eating Contest, Lt Tremlett Hall, 7pm


Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious

escaped donkey

that an author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pewsis probably the book for you.

Written by the creator of this blog, with cartoons by Dave Walker. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don’t forget it’s nearly Christmas!

Letters to the Church Magazine : December 2017

Dear Sir

I see that the Government has managed to negotiate a 50bn bill to leave the European Union, despite the “Leave” campaign – for which I worked assiduously – having promised we would have an extra £350m per week, or possibly per month, for the National Health Service.

I forget the details, they are unimportant. The important thing is that we will no longer be giving money to the EUSSR – except the money they will demand for access to the Single Market countries – and will not have to do what they say, unless we want to sell them things in which case, as a small country dealing with 27 others, we will have no choice but to cave in.

Yet the Vicar has said nothing about the great things we have achieved! What is he? Some kind of traitor whose views will only damage this country?

Yours etc

Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

As we we approach Christmas, some villagers have been hanging mistletoe in their doorways.

Not only is kissing an unhygienic practice, spreading cold sores and glandular fever, but it is also an occasion of great sin. Yet the Vicar has failed week after week to condemn it.

I have therefore established the Trim Valley Anti-Kissing League. We have already burnt down four so-called “kissing gates” on the public footpaths, and our next target will be the sprig of mistletoe in the “Hanged Man.” And don’t think the contraceptive machine in the ladies’ toilets will go unscathed.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

With Revd Joanna having left, I was expecting to get the call from Revd Nathan to assist him in his busy schedule over Christmas. However, it would appear that he has changed his email address, his post is not getting through and he has gone ex-directory, as nothing I do to try to get through to him is working.

Indeed, I went round to the New Vicarage to visit him. But a voice through the letter box told me that he had been kidnapped.

It is all most strange. I have just received a note through the door, to ask if I will take the services on the Sunday after Christmas. Of course I will. I am particularly looking forward to reintroducing the Antiochene Rite that I used to use at Grilsby.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby


Dear Sir

While rehearsing my reading for the Carol Service, I notice that Mary is described as a virgin.

Does the vicar not realise how unlikely it is, in these circumstances, that she should become pregnant? They’ll be telling us that angels exist next.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

I am planning to make it along to Church for Christmas morning.

However I noticed at Easter that the cushion in the Cholmondely Pew is a little tatty. I enclose a £5 note – if someone could run me up a new one? Maybe that nice young curate, Joanna?

Yours etc

Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.


Dear Sir

Advent, Advent, Advent. That is all the Vicar goes on about. Whenever we ask if we can sing a carol, “not while it’s Advent.”

He should move with the times. Once there was a time of foreboding, preparation, self-reproach, self-denial and then a time of feasting.

But we have credit cards now. We get all the feasting in first, and then the self-loathing happens in January.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I would like to complain again about the installation of the icon of Our Lady in Woodby church. Since this piece of art has been in our building, people have been coming from far and near to see it.

Quite spoils the look of the place, having people in there.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby


Dear Sir

I see the Vicar is insisting, once again, on allowing the school to hold a Nativity in the Church. He has not thought through the consequences.

If we start welcoming them and making them think Church is a child-friendly place, they might start coming along the rest of the year. The evidence of the last 40 years is that this is a low-risk strategy. But you never know. We are playing with fire.

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again, after buying too many deals in October, I have spent November in a mince pie-induced state of alternative consciousness.

But as we enter December I notice that many of the hundreds of packets I bought at reduced prices have gone out of code. What to do?

Never fear! Break them down with a rolling pin, moisten them with a drop – not too much – of water and you have what I call my “Deconstructed Christmas.” A showstopper for any Festive Bake Off.

Of course, as we move through Advent, the sugar in the pies starts to ferment, giving the mix a bit more of a kick  But it really makes bath time special! Well, it does for me. Mrs Dumpling says she’s not getting in the bath with 300 battered mince pies, and she’s showering next door till I’ve eaten them or taken them out.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

As treasurer of the parish I am well aware that we are running at a monthly deficit of £74.22. Hence my suggestion of a special new 2018 calendar, the “Trim Valley Calendar Boy.” 13 shots of your favourite church treasurer, with well-known pieces of accounting equipment hiding any of the more intimate bodily areas.

I regret to say that we have sold none. Mrs Dranesqueezer says she doesn’t know why we used the stapler in one shot when a pencil sharpener would have done. A cruel woman, Mrs Dranesqueezer. Although other people have noted that Grilsby Church can get very cold, with reference to “Mr February.”

Of course in producing this calendar I have run up some expenses for the photo shoot and  printing. I therefore enclose an invoice for £7,422.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

As Christmas approaches, we all ask ourselves that important question – whatever happened to David Icke? I hope he hasn’t been kidnapped by lizards.

Yours etc

Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill


Dear Sir

You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot.

Happy Christmas

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

As Dr Ireland rightly launches her anti-mistletoe campaign this year, can I say a word about Christmas Jumpers?

Tasteless.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

The plans of the Trim Valley Wakes to walk around the villages overnight on Christmas Eve have been cancelled. Apparently it might be cold and dark! Who knew?

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

As the Christmas Time approaches, a poem of hope in new life.

THE BULB AWAKES

As drear December takes nature to death

And e’en the sun seems to struggle for breath

On its voyage from east to darkening west

Ever lower, looking for its rest,

Within a stalker garden, half-unseen

A little patch of newborn green.

What bravery against the night

The brightness of this stubborn sight

Oh crocus, heartening little friend

You’re still gonna be dead in the end.

And robin redbreast, shining bright

You’ll pass into the beckoning night.

Holly and ivy, lush and green

You’ll head into the dark unseen.

And carollers upon your way

Rotary Club Santa on on your sleigh

And chuggers, seeking charitable cash

You’re all soon just some dust and ash.

And vicar with your words so sage

You’ll not resist the call of age.

Oh even the church that calls the town

To prayer, will one day be pulled down.

Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.

Wishing you all a joyful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious

escaped donkey

that an author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pewsis probably the book for you.

Written by the creator of this blog, with cartoons by Dave Walker. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don’t forget it’s nearly Christmas!

Christmas Service Rota

Fri 22nd

School Nativity – Lt Tremlett – 2 pm

Christingle – Gt Tremlett 6 pm

Nativity – Grilsby on the Hill 8 pm

Sat 23rd

Christingle – Lt Tremlett – 2 pm

Nativity – Woodby – 3.30 pm

Candlelight Carol Service – Woodby Chapel – 5 pm

Christingle – Woodby – 7 pm

Christmas Eve

Communion (Advent 4) – Gt Tremlett 8 am

Eucharist – Lt Tremlett – 9.15 am

Morning Communion – Grilsby on the Hill – 10.30 am

Carols and Mince Pies – Woodby Chapel – 12 noon

Carol Service – Woodby – 2 pm

Christingle – Grilsby on the Hill – 4 pm

Nativity – Lt Tremlett – 5.30 pm

Blessing of the Crib – Gt Tremlett – 7 pm

Midnight Mass – Woodby Chapel End – 8.30 pm

Midnight Mass – Grilsby on the Hill – 10 pm

Midnight Mass – Lt Tremlett – 11.30 pm

Christmas Day

Mass of the Dawn – Gt Tremlett – 7.30 am

Christmas Morning Eucharist – Woodby Chapel – 8.15 am

Christmas Morning Communion – Lt Tremlett – 9 am

Christmas Communion – Grilsby on the Hill – 10 am

Christmas Day Eucharist – Woodby – 11.15 am
Please note that Revd Nathan is expecting to be unwell between Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve.

.

escaped donkey


Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

 

An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don’t forget it’s nearly Christmas!

Trim Valley Notices w/c 19 November

Writes of the Church: The Paperback

Please note that many surfaces are slippy due to the cold weather. Also that, preempting a hard winter, Jeb has dug a few graves “to be ready”. Some are quite near church paths, so try not to make the Vicar’s life more ” efficient.”

Sunday

Baptism at Gt Tremlett of the Daniels family: Chardonnay, Brandy, the twins Lambrini and Lambrusco, and little Jack. The police have already put in security measures round the Hanged Man ready for the party.

Monday

Do you have an interest in the preservation of ancient church fixtures and a passing knowledge of canon law? If so can you stay away from Woodby Church Building Committee? You’re just the sort of well-meaning annoyance they don’t need as they plan the removal of the bell tower.

Tuesday

Scouts meet in the hall. Warning: tonight’s presentation “How I Survived in the Wilderness” by Mr Lamb-Steakes contains vivid smartphone footage of him cutting off his own foot with a tin opener.

Wednesday

“Poetic Legacies” in Grilsby Hall. The Vicar will be begging for you to remember the church, while Melissa Sparrow will be reading a selection of her poetry to focus your minds on how soon death can come.

Thursday

Choir Practice at Little Tremlett. It’s only six weeks to Christmas and surely they’ll get to grips with “The Coventry Carol this time?”

Friday

Trim Valley Trotters will be taking the 4x4s down the bridle paths to Banbury in their annual act of wanton vandalism. They’re sorted. They’re gripped. And the paths won’t be usable till April.

Saturday

Wedding of Sarah Gull and James Mellor, Lt Tremlett 1pm. And we’ve heard the village gossip. It’s no use tittering and saying “bet she’s in throughout family way, marrying in November.” They’ve got 4 kids and have been living together since 1994.

Trim Valley Notices w/c 5 November

Child Bishop

If you feel called to be Child Bishop, please write to the Vicar by 21st November explaining why. The Medieval Church had a long tradition of Boy Bishops at Christmas time. Which is why we’re only accepting applications from girls. Another 400 years until we’ve restored the balance.

Sunday 

6pm, The Vicarage: Hymns and Fireworks.  Join us as we praise God before burning a Roman Catholic in effigy to give thanks that a bunch of his friends were publically disembowelled. Try not to think of that too much as we join in the Faith Sausage Barbecue.

Monday 

2pm: We will be praying for the vicar to receive the gifts he needs to lead us. Please bring a list, although if anyone comes without, we will be able to provide one. At Dunphlebbin’.

Tuesday

Grilsby PCC meets. 8pm in the Church Hall. Important agenda item as the Mission Committee tells us the result of their recent Strategy Day. Apparently we may as well accept the church is going to have to close when we’re all dead.

Wednesday

Trim Valley Interfaith Chip Supper. 7pm at Gt Tremlett Hall. So that’s a bunch of Anglicans and a dozen pagans. We would have a Daoist as well. But he’ll be busy running the chip shop.

Thursday

“Faith in the Workplace” seminar was due to be held at 11am in the Diocesan Training Room. This is cancelled due to lack of interest.

Friday 

10am, Banburyshire Crematorium: The funeral of Meryl Flint. We used to say he was a dear old soul and all the complaining was just an endearing and amusing front! It turns out in fact that he really did hate us. The service will be conducted by a Humanist celebrant. Nobody from the Church is to go. Please send flowers to Marcia Flint, at Belladonna Cottage, Woodby Chapel End. They’re not for the funeral. They’re for Marcia. 60 years she put up with him. She must be a saint.

Saturday

The Safeguarding Team meets at 10am. Join us as we go through the Electoral Roll and discuss who we reckon we ought to keep an eye on.

Letters to the Church Magazine : November 2017

Dear Sir

If the Vicar is so close to God, how come he only has that bashed-up Astra that’s always breaking down? Elijah got a chariot of fire.

Yours etc

Bill Bones, Chapel Lane, Woodby Chapel End


Dear Sir

Thanks for the Vicar’s sermon on Bible Sunday.

I’d wondered what that book was that people were always reading out of.

Yours etc

Jermaine Morris, Duck Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

No need to worry about hedgehogs in the bonfire at Sunday’s “Hymns and Fireworks.” I’ll make sure they’re all safely removed by Sunday morning.

And they are such a cheap and nutritious meal.

Ask no questions….

Yours,

The Masked Avenger”


Dear Sir

Isn’t it about time we put the Christmas Decorations up in church? When I left the Hanged Man Inn at midnight last night, they were putting them up as fast as they could take the latex skeletons and fake corpses down. Why is the Church always so behind the times?

Yours etc

Nicholas Snowtime, “Yule Cottage”, Lt Tremlett 


Dear Sir

I would like to thank everyone who turned up to buy my jam at last week’s Tabletop sale. However I did make rather a lot of jars this year due to a glut of blackberries, and so people can be assured there is plenty left!

In fact the sooner they buy it, the better. There is so much of it, it is currently blocking the entrance to the church. They had to hold the service in the churchyard last week and the weather is getting worse.

Yours etc

Jennifer Eccles-Cayke, Homely Cottage, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

All Souls’ Day is the most poignant service of the year – even when transferred for convenience to the Saturday after the actual day. I look forward to celebrating it on Saturday, before All Saints’ on Sunday.

But the All Souls’ Day of years gone by was different, and spiritually far more striking. The children of the parish used to ascend from the Crypt with a skull each – each with a candle stuck to the top – and then process solemnly to the High Altar, where Father Francis would scream at them that they should repent before the day they themselves were lain in their grave.

It has stuck with me my entire life. Especially in my inability to walk downstairs in the dark under any circumstances. Who knows what is lurking?

Ah, times are no longer what they were.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

Next time the vicar emails the people of the benefice and members of the Deanery Synod asking if anyone has a spare “Songs And Hymns of Fellowship Combined, Complete and No More Songs Needed Before the Second Coming”, could he not include everyone’s email in the “to” column?

Or if he does, could the recipients not “Reply All”?

I am still getting an email saying “No, sorry” every thirty seconds. And he sent the original email last week.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

Liturgical dance is bad enough as it is. But can you please ask Dora to remove the pole from the chancel?

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”


Dear Sir

This is a blatant plug once again for the book that came from this blog – “Writes of the Church.” A very suitable Christmas present, and small enough to be smuggled into any church meeting in a handbag or large-ish pocket, to while away the hours.

As of writing this letter it is selling out on Amazon (with more on the way) but can also be obtained from its very excellent publishers, the Bible Reading Fellowship.

People ask why the vicar allows this kind of advertising in the Church Magazine. But the answer is that he’s scared of Archdruid Eileen.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again the Vicar removed my advertisement for the Samhain Coven from the church notice sheet. Anybody would think he didn’t approve of us dancing naked around a bonfire while worshipping the Goddess.

This is clearly not the Church of England I grew up in.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I used to live just by the river, in a dis-used factory just off the Wicker
The river flowed by day after day
“One day” I thought, “One day I will follow it” but that day never came.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

Time for another of my famous “vicar” jokes.

What’s black and white and in a 4-hour School Governors’ Meeting?

The Vicar on his day off because he just couldn’t leave it.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby


Dear Sir

I feel that all my suggestions for the 500th Anniversary of the Reformation have been ignored.

In particular, my ritual burning of the Pope on Guzzler’s Field. Nobody from any of the Church of England parishes attended. Just a few Catholics.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

A poem for All Souls

And so the year comes round to Sad November
We light our candles and remember.
The ones we miss from years gone by
For days now gone, we softly cry.
Yellowing leaves fall through the air
Joining their mulchy forebears from last year

And so shall we.
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls
Tis thee.
And thee.
And also thee.

Death Death Death
Death Death Death
Death Death Death
Death.

Wishing you a peaceful All Souls Day.

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill