I see that the Government has managed to negotiate a €50bn bill to leave the European Union, despite the “Leave” campaign – for which I worked assiduously – having promised we would have an extra £350m per week, or possibly per month, for the National Health Service.
I forget the details, they are unimportant. The important thing is that we will no longer be giving money to the EUSSR – except the money they will demand for access to the Single Market countries – and will not have to do what they say, unless we want to sell them things in which case, as a small country dealing with 27 others, we will have no choice but to cave in.
Yet the Vicar has said nothing about the great things we have achieved! What is he? Some kind of traitor whose views will only damage this country?
Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett
As we we approach Christmas, some villagers have been hanging mistletoe in their doorways.
Not only is kissing an unhygienic practice, spreading cold sores and glandular fever, but it is also an occasion of great sin. Yet the Vicar has failed week after week to condemn it.
I have therefore established the Trim Valley Anti-Kissing League. We have already burnt down four so-called “kissing gates” on the public footpaths, and our next target will be the sprig of mistletoe in the “Hanged Man.” And don’t think the contraceptive machine in the ladies’ toilets will go unscathed.
Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett
With Revd Joanna having left, I was expecting to get the call from Revd Nathan to assist him in his busy schedule over Christmas. However, it would appear that he has changed his email address, his post is not getting through and he has gone ex-directory, as nothing I do to try to get through to him is working.
Indeed, I went round to the New Vicarage to visit him. But a voice through the letter box told me that he had been kidnapped.
It is all most strange. I have just received a note through the door, to ask if I will take the services on the Sunday after Christmas. Of course I will. I am particularly looking forward to reintroducing the Antiochene Rite that I used to use at Grilsby.
Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby
While rehearsing my reading for the Carol Service, I notice that Mary is described as a virgin.
Does the vicar not realise how unlikely it is, in these circumstances, that she should become pregnant? They’ll be telling us that angels exist next.
Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett
I am planning to make it along to Church for Christmas morning.
However I noticed at Easter that the cushion in the Cholmondely Pew is a little tatty. I enclose a £5 note – if someone could run me up a new one? Maybe that nice young curate, Joanna?
Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.
Advent, Advent, Advent. That is all the Vicar goes on about. Whenever we ask if we can sing a carol, “not while it’s Advent.”
He should move with the times. Once there was a time of foreboding, preparation, self-reproach, self-denial and then a time of feasting.
But we have credit cards now. We get all the feasting in first, and then the self-loathing happens in January.
Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett
I would like to complain again about the installation of the icon of Our Lady in Woodby church. Since this piece of art has been in our building, people have been coming from far and near to see it.
Quite spoils the look of the place, having people in there.
Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby
I see the Vicar is insisting, once again, on allowing the school to hold a Nativity in the Church. He has not thought through the consequences.
If we start welcoming them and making them think Church is a child-friendly place, they might start coming along the rest of the year. The evidence of the last 40 years is that this is a low-risk strategy. But you never know. We are playing with fire.
Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett
Once again, after buying too many deals in October, I have spent November in a mince pie-induced state of alternative consciousness.
But as we enter December I notice that many of the hundreds of packets I bought at reduced prices have gone out of code. What to do?
Never fear! Break them down with a rolling pin, moisten them with a drop – not too much – of water and you have what I call my “Deconstructed Christmas.” A showstopper for any Festive Bake Off.
Of course, as we move through Advent, the sugar in the pies starts to ferment, giving the mix a bit more of a kick But it really makes bath time special! Well, it does for me. Mrs Dumpling says she’s not getting in the bath with 300 battered mince pies, and she’s showering next door till I’ve eaten them or taken them out.
Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett
As treasurer of the parish I am well aware that we are running at a monthly deficit of £74.22. Hence my suggestion of a special new 2018 calendar, the “Trim Valley Calendar Boy.” 13 shots of your favourite church treasurer, with well-known pieces of accounting equipment hiding any of the more intimate bodily areas.
I regret to say that we have sold none. Mrs Dranesqueezer says she doesn’t know why we used the stapler in one shot when a pencil sharpener would have done. A cruel woman, Mrs Dranesqueezer. Although other people have noted that Grilsby Church can get very cold, with reference to “Mr February.”
Of course in producing this calendar I have run up some expenses for the photo shoot and printing. I therefore enclose an invoice for £7,422.
Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
As Christmas approaches, we all ask ourselves that important question – whatever happened to David Icke? I hope he hasn’t been kidnapped by lizards.
Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill
You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot.
Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby
As Dr Ireland rightly launches her anti-mistletoe campaign this year, can I say a word about Christmas Jumpers?
Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett
The plans of the Trim Valley Wakes to walk around the villages overnight on Christmas Eve have been cancelled. Apparently it might be cold and dark! Who knew?
Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett
As the Christmas Time approaches, a poem of hope in new life.
THE BULB AWAKES
As drear December takes nature to death
And e’en the sun seems to struggle for breath
On its voyage from east to darkening west
Ever lower, looking for its rest,
Within a stalker garden, half-unseen
A little patch of newborn green.
What bravery against the night
The brightness of this stubborn sight
Oh crocus, heartening little friend
You’re still gonna be dead in the end.
And robin redbreast, shining bright
You’ll pass into the beckoning night.
Holly and ivy, lush and green
You’ll head into the dark unseen.
And carollers upon your way
Rotary Club Santa on on your sleigh
And chuggers, seeking charitable cash
You’re all soon just some dust and ash.
And vicar with your words so sage
You’ll not resist the call of age.
Oh even the church that calls the town
To prayer, will one day be pulled down.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Wishing you all a joyful Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious
that an author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pewsis probably the book for you.
Written by the creator of this blog, with cartoons by Dave Walker. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don’t forget it’s nearly Christmas!