Letters to the Church Magazine – December

Dear Sir

I was shocked to hear that one of our visiting priests, the so-called “Father” Naomi, has been conducting communion services in an Eastward-facing orientation at Little Tremlett Church.

I know that the altar table at Little Tremlett has been affixed to the wall for 300 years, but it still seems irresponsible. In this orientation, it will be possible to see the outline of Revd Naomi’s body and – indeed – the curve of her bottom. This kind of brazenly sexual behaviour is exactly the sort of reason why many of us have opposed the idea of women as priests.

I am planning to visit Little Tremlett a few times over the Christmas period to see just how licentious this is.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

Christmas is not what it once was!  We never used to put up the decorations on Advent Sunday. As Lord of the Manor, my father, Sir Cholmondley, said it would be setting a bad example to the servants and workers on the estate. Indeed, I remember when we never put the decorations up until Boxing Day, to learn patience, and took them straight down again, lest we become over-excited. We took a particularly strict line with the Dissenters – before these ecumenical times – and when the Methodist carol singers came round, we made them sing all 85 verses of the original version of Wesley’s “Hark the Hallowed Welkin Rings”, standing in two feet of snow, before giving them 4s 6d.

And how can the children of today, as they demand the latest Nintendo Play-Doh from their parents, understand the joy of waking on a Christmas morning, to see a row of the serfs from the village, each holding a freshly wrapped pheasant? And then the excitement the year my parents finally bought me a shotgun, and I was able to “bag” them myself. Yes, I winged a few of the villagers, but nobody died. Or, at least, nobody that we were planning to invite to our Christmas evening entertainment.

Yours etc

Sir Cholmondley Cholmondley-Cholmonley (Bart), Cholmondley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.

Dear Sir

I have been attending Woodby Church for 87 years now.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby

Dear Sir

The notice sheet is being printed these days on very slightly thinner paper, I notice. This means that it is more sensitive to heat and humidity, with an increased inaccuracy when using it as a tape measure or ruler in the design of garage shelving.

I used to be in the Civil Service. We would never have allowed this to happen.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I noticed that in Revd Joanne’s sermon last week, she implied that works of supererogation are pleasing to God. Whereas the Book of Common Prayer clearly informs us that there is no such thing – being saved by Faith, we are yet called to work with all our might, and yet at the end conclude that we are but servants.

I have checked the Articles of Faith thoroughly but the one regarding penalties for heresy seems to have been omitted from my latest edition. Mark my words, if this kind of thing continues to happen, Osama bin Laden has won.

Yours etc

Gerry Chambers, Dag Lane, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I wish people would stop complaining about the Vicar’s day off! Honestly, anybody would think that the clergy are superhumans, capable of working seven days a week, 24 hours a day, with only Christmas Day off. Except they do not get Christmas Day off, of course.

No. A day off for the vicar should be a day spent at home. A day with the family. A day of rest and recuperation, or pursuing a hobby.

I suggest it would be nice if the hobby the Vicar adopted was something to do with computers. Specifically, I am hoping to persuade him that what the Church web site is missing is back issues of the Church Magazine. How can we have a Church Website without electronic copies of the Magazine going back as far as possible – a treasure trove to both historian and person with an obsessive interest in this area alike!

I have copies of the Church Magazine going back – in its Grilsby-on-the-Hill edition – to 1952. It would be a greatly enjoyable activity for the vicar to type in all the articles, and scan in the photographs. I know some will say that he could merely scan each page, which would be much quicker, but I believe the “SEO” of the site will be better if he types them all in, thus making the entire page full of crawlable material.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

If there’s something you’d like to try, if there’s something you’d like to try,
ask me I won’t say no. Why should I?

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby
Dear Sir

Now the winter is drawing in, I feel I should draw the attention of the vicar, and the PCC at Little Tremlett, regarding the unheated state of the toilet.
When the outside toilet was installed in 1936, it was state of the art. Indeed, the Press came all the way from Banbury to photograph it. However in this day and age, we expect slightly more in the way of comfort, and a slightly warmer environment!

I expect everybody remembers the unfortunate incident two years ago when a lady whom I shall not mention discovered that her bottom had frozen to the seat. She was rescued only after the choir passed tubes of lip balm under the door, which she was able to use as  form of antifreeze.

This year, we must try to avoid having any of our congregation in such an embarrassing situation. Indeed, if it were to happen to the vicar, it would make the sermon extremely difficult logistically. If we cannot heat the toilet – and I realise it is not exactly well-insulated, being made of plywood and oilcloth – perhaps we could at least provide salt?

Yours etc

Whinfrey Willes, Lark Lane. Lt Tremlett


(thanks to PhillipDawson1 for the inspiration for one of these letters)