The rules of the Church of England are clear. When an incumbent minister has left, the parish or parishes that are left vacant start the process of creating their “Parish or Benefice Profile.” This document gives a truthful view of the strengths and weaknesses of the parish, the particular skills that a new minister will require, and the nature of the area.
This is of course the work of the laity of the benefice, and not of the outgoing minister.
I thought it was appropriate to help, however. I have therefore written a complete profile for the Benefice, and set out what I think you need for the future.
In the light of the respect and love that I have felt throughout my time in the Trim Valley, I am sure you will take this offer in the spirit it is made.
Revd Nathan, The Rectory, Gt Tremlett
When does the vicar leave? My recycling bucket has a hole and I was thinking I could steal the one from the vicarage.
Fennel Bailey, The Old Orchard House.
Once the vicar has left can we please push the altar back up against the wall so the new one has to preside from the North End? I know we all voted in favour of the change but we didn’t really mean it.
Philemon Doyle, Chestnut Lane, Lt Tremlett
I’ve checked the cupboard where we keep the Books of Common Prayer. And they’re in the same dog-eared condition as when we voted to start using Common Worship.
Just as soon as himself has gone, we can stick the Common Worship in the crypt where we put the ASBs in 1988, and get back to business.
Charmander McBrayne, Woodby Lane, Grilsby
I make it 61 days on the 1st March. Is that what everyone else reckons?
Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett
It has always been the tradition, when a new vicar starts, to create a special “Parson’s Ale”. This potent beverage, brewed to a strength of 15.7% ABV, is flavoured with thyme, coriander and dandelion – a brew fit for a king indeed. We then drink it at the parson’s leaving service. I remember when old Parson Benson died after 40 years in the pulpit, nobody in the parish could see for a month!
However I regret to say that Nathan’s been here a bit longer than I expected. And I’ve taken the odd comforting nip to get me through his sermons. So looks like this time it’s going to be Carlsberg.
Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett
After 2 months of eating daily Creme Eggs, I have put on 3 stones in weight. Lent is hard.
Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett
This year’s Spring Equinox meeting of the Mothers’ Union will be in Old Pasture at sunrise. This being the last year when Revd Nathan will be trying to prevent our celebrations, we will be building a Wicker Man in the hope of scaring him away.
Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett
I know it’s bad form to talk about what the new incumbent, whoever he or he may be, will be like. But can we ensure he’s better than the current one?
Gabrielle Fitch Thompson, the Old Market House, Little Tremlett
Two months since Christmas and I’m afraid, after that beautiful Nativity Play, I still haven’t made it back to Church for a regular service.
I’m definitely going to make the effort for Easter Sunday. Or perhaps for Revd Nathan’s farewell service.
Jasmine Jones, “Chitterings”, Wheezy Lane, Gt Tremlett
Your hair is like meadow grass on the tide
And the raindrops on my window
And the ice in my drink
Baby all I can think of is Alice
Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby
Fantastic weather for one of my famous “vicar” jokes.
Q: What’s black and white, black and white and green?
A: The vicar giving a snowman a lift in his Toyota Prius.
Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby
A poem inspired by the convergence of Lent and this brutal, yet beautiful, weather.
“The Snowy Trim”
Soft fall the flakes upon the Trim
The crystal waters run beneath
And all is gray and white.
The Robin brings a dart of fire
To this cold, serene gray morningtide.
And Lent’s dark ash is cast over all
The sky, the clinging elm leaves
And I remember, as I gaze into the depths
That I am dust.
Death death death
death death death
death death death.
Yours watching the embers die
Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
It is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. Unless you are a time traveller. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents. If you do, then this will make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.