Writes of the Church – the Paperback

Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews – from Amazon, The Bible Reading Fellowship, Church House Bookshop, Salisbury College Bookshop, Southwark Cathedral… and other good Christian bookshops. Looking for a Christmas present for the Christian churchgoer in your life? Or are you in need of a humorous book to make you laugh at and think about the church? Well you probably need “Writes of the Church – Gripes and Grumbles of People in the Pews” – a perfect stocking filler.

Advertisements

Trim Valley Notices w/c 19 November

Writes of the Church: The Paperback

Please note that many surfaces are slippy due to the cold weather. Also that, preempting a hard winter, Jeb has dug a few graves “to be ready”. Some are quite near church paths, so try not to make the Vicar’s life more ” efficient.”

Sunday

Baptism at Gt Tremlett of the Daniels family: Chardonnay, Brandy, the twins Lambrini and Lambrusco, and little Jack. The police have already put in security measures round the Hanged Man ready for the party.

Monday

Do you have an interest in the preservation of ancient church fixtures and a passing knowledge of canon law? If so can you stay away from Woodby Church Building Committee? You’re just the sort of well-meaning annoyance they don’t need as they plan the removal of the bell tower.

Tuesday

Scouts meet in the hall. Warning: tonight’s presentation “How I Survived in the Wilderness” by Mr Lamb-Steakes contains vivid smartphone footage of him cutting off his own foot with a tin opener.

Wednesday

“Poetic Legacies” in Grilsby Hall. The Vicar will be begging for you to remember the church, while Melissa Sparrow will be reading a selection of her poetry to focus your minds on how soon death can come.

Thursday

Choir Practice at Little Tremlett. It’s only six weeks to Christmas and surely they’ll get to grips with “The Coventry Carol this time?”

Friday

Trim Valley Trotters will be taking the 4x4s down the bridle paths to Banbury in their annual act of wanton vandalism. They’re sorted. They’re gripped. And the paths won’t be usable till April.

Saturday

Wedding of Sarah Gull and James Mellor, Lt Tremlett 1pm. And we’ve heard the village gossip. It’s no use tittering and saying “bet she’s in throughout family way, marrying in November.” They’ve got 4 kids and have been living together since 1994.

Trim Valley Notices w/c 12 November

Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews

Sunday

Please remember that no poppies are to be worn at the Remembrance Services today. Last year an argument broke out between the people wearing red poppies and those wearing white. We promised ourselves we never want to see that kind of bloodshed again.

Monday

Benefice Mission Committee meeting cancelled. they just can’t raise the energy to get together. So going out into the world making disciples is going to be quite a stretch.

Tuesday

Trim Valley Ringers – handbell practice in Grilsby Church Hall. This week’s arrangement will be an Anglican version of an old Prodigy favourite: “Smack my Bishop.”

Wednesday

Lt Tremlett PCC 8pm. The heating has gone in the hall, so please bring a pail of coal and a sleeping bag.

Thursday

80s Disco Nite at Woodby, 8 till late (about 9.30). The St John’s ambulance will be there and we’ve got the new defibrillator. So put on your knee brace, get some heat into your joints and come along with the Eye of the Tiger! Are “friends” electric? Well their mobility buggies certainly are!

Friday

Sub-committee for looking into the reducing the number of committees will be meeting from 8 till 10. Last time they met they suggested setting up another committee to define the other committees’ terms and references. So that will be meeting next week.

Saturday 

Pre-Advent Fayre, Gt Tremlett. After last year when we had to declare a 20″ exclusion zone, the scented candles stall will be outside. Mavis will be running the slightly-broken nick-nacks stall for the 70th year running. Can someone please buy that china shepherdess? It’s been there for the full history of the stall.

 

 

Trim Valley Notices w/c 5 November

Child Bishop

If you feel called to be Child Bishop, please write to the Vicar by 21st November explaining why. The Medieval Church had a long tradition of Boy Bishops at Christmas time. Which is why we’re only accepting applications from girls. Another 400 years until we’ve restored the balance.

Sunday 

6pm, The Vicarage: Hymns and Fireworks.  Join us as we praise God before burning a Roman Catholic in effigy to give thanks that a bunch of his friends were publically disembowelled. Try not to think of that too much as we join in the Faith Sausage Barbecue.

Monday 

2pm: We will be praying for the vicar to receive the gifts he needs to lead us. Please bring a list, although if anyone comes without, we will be able to provide one. At Dunphlebbin’.

Tuesday

Grilsby PCC meets. 8pm in the Church Hall. Important agenda item as the Mission Committee tells us the result of their recent Strategy Day. Apparently we may as well accept the church is going to have to close when we’re all dead.

Wednesday

Trim Valley Interfaith Chip Supper. 7pm at Gt Tremlett Hall. So that’s a bunch of Anglicans and a dozen pagans. We would have a Daoist as well. But he’ll be busy running the chip shop.

Thursday

“Faith in the Workplace” seminar was due to be held at 11am in the Diocesan Training Room. This is cancelled due to lack of interest.

Friday 

10am, Banburyshire Crematorium: The funeral of Meryl Flint. We used to say he was a dear old soul and all the complaining was just an endearing and amusing front! It turns out in fact that he really did hate us. The service will be conducted by a Humanist celebrant. Nobody from the Church is to go. Please send flowers to Marcia Flint, at Belladonna Cottage, Woodby Chapel End. They’re not for the funeral. They’re for Marcia. 60 years she put up with him. She must be a saint.

Saturday

The Safeguarding Team meets at 10am. Join us as we go through the Electoral Roll and discuss who we reckon we ought to keep an eye on.

Letters to the Church Magazine : November 2017

Dear Sir

If the Vicar is so close to God, how come he only has that bashed-up Astra that’s always breaking down? Elijah got a chariot of fire.

Yours etc

Bill Bones, Chapel Lane, Woodby Chapel End


Dear Sir

Thanks for the Vicar’s sermon on Bible Sunday.

I’d wondered what that book was that people were always reading out of.

Yours etc

Jermaine Morris, Duck Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

No need to worry about hedgehogs in the bonfire at Sunday’s “Hymns and Fireworks.” I’ll make sure they’re all safely removed by Sunday morning.

And they are such a cheap and nutritious meal.

Ask no questions….

Yours,

The Masked Avenger”


Dear Sir

Isn’t it about time we put the Christmas Decorations up in church? When I left the Hanged Man Inn at midnight last night, they were putting them up as fast as they could take the latex skeletons and fake corpses down. Why is the Church always so behind the times?

Yours etc

Nicholas Snowtime, “Yule Cottage”, Lt Tremlett 


Dear Sir

I would like to thank everyone who turned up to buy my jam at last week’s Tabletop sale. However I did make rather a lot of jars this year due to a glut of blackberries, and so people can be assured there is plenty left!

In fact the sooner they buy it, the better. There is so much of it, it is currently blocking the entrance to the church. They had to hold the service in the churchyard last week and the weather is getting worse.

Yours etc

Jennifer Eccles-Cayke, Homely Cottage, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

All Souls’ Day is the most poignant service of the year – even when transferred for convenience to the Saturday after the actual day. I look forward to celebrating it on Saturday, before All Saints’ on Sunday.

But the All Souls’ Day of years gone by was different, and spiritually far more striking. The children of the parish used to ascend from the Crypt with a skull each – each with a candle stuck to the top – and then process solemnly to the High Altar, where Father Francis would scream at them that they should repent before the day they themselves were lain in their grave.

It has stuck with me my entire life. Especially in my inability to walk downstairs in the dark under any circumstances. Who knows what is lurking?

Ah, times are no longer what they were.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

Next time the vicar emails the people of the benefice and members of the Deanery Synod asking if anyone has a spare “Songs And Hymns of Fellowship Combined, Complete and No More Songs Needed Before the Second Coming”, could he not include everyone’s email in the “to” column?

Or if he does, could the recipients not “Reply All”?

I am still getting an email saying “No, sorry” every thirty seconds. And he sent the original email last week.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

Liturgical dance is bad enough as it is. But can you please ask Dora to remove the pole from the chancel?

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”


Dear Sir

This is a blatant plug once again for the book that came from this blog – “Writes of the Church.” A very suitable Christmas present, and small enough to be smuggled into any church meeting in a handbag or large-ish pocket, to while away the hours.

As of writing this letter it is selling out on Amazon (with more on the way) but can also be obtained from its very excellent publishers, the Bible Reading Fellowship.

People ask why the vicar allows this kind of advertising in the Church Magazine. But the answer is that he’s scared of Archdruid Eileen.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again the Vicar removed my advertisement for the Samhain Coven from the church notice sheet. Anybody would think he didn’t approve of us dancing naked around a bonfire while worshipping the Goddess.

This is clearly not the Church of England I grew up in.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I used to live just by the river, in a dis-used factory just off the Wicker
The river flowed by day after day
“One day” I thought, “One day I will follow it” but that day never came.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

Time for another of my famous “vicar” jokes.

What’s black and white and in a 4-hour School Governors’ Meeting?

The Vicar on his day off because he just couldn’t leave it.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby


Dear Sir

I feel that all my suggestions for the 500th Anniversary of the Reformation have been ignored.

In particular, my ritual burning of the Pope on Guzzler’s Field. Nobody from any of the Church of England parishes attended. Just a few Catholics.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

A poem for All Souls

And so the year comes round to Sad November
We light our candles and remember.
The ones we miss from years gone by
For days now gone, we softly cry.
Yellowing leaves fall through the air
Joining their mulchy forebears from last year

And so shall we.
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls
Tis thee.
And thee.
And also thee.

Death Death Death
Death Death Death
Death Death Death
Death.

Wishing you a peaceful All Souls Day.

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Trim Valley Notices – wc 29 October

Sunday 29

Today is “Bible Sunday” for the people at Woodby Chapel. People at the other churches without a Methodist tradition may not realise what this is about. Basically, the Bible is a bunch of different religious writings from the old days, which tries to tell us something about God and Jesus.

So as not to confuse people all our services today are being moved by one hour.

Monday

Trim Valley Humanist and Atheist Society meets. But we’re not going to tell you when or where.

Tuesday

The U3A’s “Death Metal” band, “Nearer the Graveyard than Thee” are performing their Halloween Hangover Concert at the Hanged Man Inn, 8pm till cocoa.  The Hanged Man does have a hearing aid loop. We suggests you don’t use it.
Little Tremlett All Souls’ Service is cancelled.

Wednesday

Grilsby on the Hill PCC meets 8pm in the church. The weather is forecast to be cool. Which in Grilsby terms means, please bring arctic equipment and huskies.

All Saints’ Day is being transferred to Sunday.

Thursday

Great Tremlett Children’s Work Co-ordination Group. The last meeting was heavily attended by people who think children are a noisy nuisance, resulting in the children all being banned from Church for the last two months. Can you please help ensure we get a decent majority in favour of their return. Rosina their Sunday School teacher is getting really stressed out having to cope with them in the Hall for a whole hour every Sunday.

All Souls’ Day is transferred to Saturday. Except in Little Tremlett, where it is transferred to Tuesday.

Friday

Trim Valley Ramblers meet at the Hanged Man 2pm. We will have a few, then decide it’s not such a nice day for a walk and stay there till tea time.

Saturday

All Souls’ Day service will be held at Great Tremlett, as the people at Little Tremlett are still sulking about Tuesday.

Sunday

All Saint’s Day service (transferred from Wednesday or possibly Thursday). We will be having one combined service for the benefice, in St Mary’s Great Tremlett. So everybody from all the other churches will probably just get the week off.

 

 

Notices w/c 22 October

Sunday

Note that due to “Brian”, Grilsby Church Hall is out of action.

Not Storm Brian. Brian Boscastle. Angela has thrown him out again and he’s holed up with 15 cold pizzas and a few bottles of “Speckled Hen”. Banburyshire Police will sort it out just as soon as they’ve got the dog back.

Monday

Can you tell the difference between a gargoyle and a grotesque?

Well, nobody else can. Stop being so smug and get down to St Mary’s Gt Tremlett, where we’re cleaning up the gargoyles

Or possibly the grotesques.

Tuesday

Sanatogen Tasting Society – 7pm, St Mary’s Retirement Home.

Wednesday

Lt Tremlett Church Book Stall. It’s so long since we sold a book, some are verifiable antiques. Please come and buy one.

We’re so lonely.

Thursday

Square Dance at Gt Tremlett Church Hall.

Rival Triangular Dance at the URC. The Ecumenical Movement has truly failed.

Friday

Do you believe in Equal Marriage in the Church of England?

Then don’t mention the fact to Dr Ireland. She’ll be livid

Saturday

Some kind of Autumn Fayre somewhere. It always is, let’s face it. Just drive around the villages. I can’t be bothered to check it. Maybe one of the churches has it on their Facebook page? Nah – only joking.