Trim Valley Notice Sheet w/c 20 May

Sunday
Today we celebrate Pentecost. The day when we remember the sovereign power of God’s Spirit, bringing life to the Church.

After the service at Woodby today, there is an Extraordinary Meeting of the PCC to agree what colour to paint the Church Hall door.

We regret there are no bell-ringers at Grilsby. They have had a disagreement with the flower arrangers.

The version of “The Lord’s My Shepherd” we will sing at Little Tremlett will be the traditional one. The Stuart Townend version has been cancelled as part of the peace treaty brokered between the choir and Mr Starey, the Organist.

Monday

Whit Dinner at Woodby. Please note that after representations from the vegetarians, as well as roast lamb, roast chicken will be available.

Tuesday

Grilsby Quiche -Eaters meet in the Reading Room. Please bring a quiche.

Wednesday

The Life Art group need new models – can you help? It’s not that we aren’t grateful to Major Dumpling but he always insists on having the curtains open. And the neighbours are starting to complain. If you’re out and about at 8pm, avoid Gt Tremlett Church Hall.

Thursday

Dog Fighting. Green Spinney, 7pm. If anyone asks you haven’t heard anything.

Friday

Great Tremlett Sunday Club are wanting to update their equipment. Do you have an unused flannelgraph about the place? 

Saturday

Champions’ League Final. The “Hanged Man”. We don’t actually have BT Sport but we can watch all the excitement unfold on Twitter.

Trinity Sunday

Even though the Vicar and Curate have left, we still have two preachers in the valley and they’re both looking forward to this one! If you hear Doreen, the Reader you’ll get her usual lukewarm Unitarianism. Whereas Canon Westcliff is really looking forward to launching three new ways of understanding God, all of which are basically Modalist maybe toppling over, in the case of the “pancake” analogy, into Arianism. The flour simply isn’t “more important than the eggs because it’s the essence of the pancake. That’s not even good cookery.

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Trim Valley Notices w/c 13 May

Apologies for Major Dumpling’s somewhat “wired” behaviour at the bingo last night. We knew he was keen on celebrating the Feast of St Pancras.  But we thought it was railway lines he was showing such a keen interest in.

Sunday

Doreen’s preaching Sermon #3 today. So bring an umbrella if you’re at Great Tremlett.

Monday

Since combined benefice meetings in any church are only ever attended by members of that church, the Benefice Profile Planning Team will meet in the Old Signal Box in 5 Parish Wood. Since this is allegedly haunted by “Flash Ned”, who legend has it was clubbed to death after exposing himself to the Mothers’ Union Committee, we will ensure the meeting ends strictly at sun set.

Tuesday

Are you a keen handy man / woman or a builder with a bit of spare time?

Then why not get down to the Vicarage at 8am? We’re thinking with a bit of work we could put an extension on one side and sell it off as a semi-detached. The diocese need never know.

Wednesday

Since Lucy, the landlady at the “Silent Woman” has told us she is selling up, we are keen to ensure that no buildings are put on the site by the brewery. Or at least not unless we benefit from it. So the “Silent Woman Action Team” (SWAT) will be meeting in the Silent Woman at 8pm to discuss how we can take the place over and run it into the ground. I mean, as a community facility.

Thursday

Archdeacon’s Visitation. The Archdeacon will meet the Churchwardens at each of the churches in the parish. Please pray for the Churchwardens. And pray even more for the Archdeacon.

Friday

Trim Valley Toad Lickers meet in the bus shelter, Grilsby-on-the-Hill 7pm until the bats invade.

Saturday

The annual Trim Valley Bog Snorkel will take place down the river Trim from Grilsby to Woodby. If wet, in Woodby Reading Room.

Sunday Pentecost 

To celebrate the pouring out of God’s transforming spirit, bringing new life to the Church, we will be holding the Grand Pentecost Jumble Sale in Gt Tremlett Church Hall. 10 am until the old ties run out.

Trim Valley Church Notices w/c 6 April

Sunday

3pm – Beating the Bounds  – We have timed each parish’s Beating of the Bounds so there is no danger of the different groups meeting up. We can’t have the blood feuds that arose after Great and Little Tremlett encountered each other last year. The drive-by flossings lasted for weeks.

Meanwhile for reasons of infirmity Woodby Chapel will be viewing a viftual Beating of the Bounds – a recording of the 1937 event, which many of them remember. This will also stop them realising work has started on the giant waste effluent at the appropriately named “Sticky Bottom”.

Monday

Romilly Randers has been organising social events in the Trim Valley for 40 years. Nobody has ever come along. That’s why today she’s inviting everybody to “Free Gin Evening”. No spiritual aspects, no Bible studies. No cost. Just come to Gt Tremlett Church Hall and drink free gin. Surely this one is going to work?

Tuesday

Woodby Cabbage Festival. Join the Bishop of Banbury as he blesses the Holy Cabbage, in a tradition that goes right back to last year when we realised from Rhubarb blessings and Asparagus blessings that there’s publicity and probably money in this kind of thing.

Wednesday

A special Pasta Night at Grilsby 8pm. £5. If you won’t eat foreign muck, there’s pizza instead.

Thursday

Bible Study, Dr Ireland’s house Dunphlebbin’. This month we are looking at the Book of Revelation. So please ensure you bring along all your half-baked theories and doctrines you acquired by reading a novel series. If we’re lucky we may even get to read the Bible. 

We’ll also be doing the very popular “Which of the Seven Churches are We?” quiz. Spoiler: Laodicea. Everyone always is.

 Friday

Pets church.

Please just drop your pets off at Great Tremlett at 10am. Don’t bother staying. We find it’s the humans that cause the problem.

Saturday

Forest Church in Tremlett Forest. We will be thinking about God’s love revealed in creation, and our duty to be stewards. Please bring some chipboard or an old tyre for the fire.

Prayer Chain

For reasons we can’t remember the last vicar stopped us publishing the prayer list in the notice sheet. But he’s gone now.

Please pray for Syndey Chitterling, who is tormented by his piles. For Janine Jimpson, whose eczema is being brought on terrible by worrying people will find out her affair. And for Drenzel Jones, who’s going to have his knees broken on Wednesday unless he stops sniffing around Sophie Washington.

Letters to the Church Magazine : May 2018 (and Nathan’s Packing)

Dear Sir

What a lovely service that was to say goodbye to Revd Nathan. I think I can say – and I don’t imagine that anyone in the Trim Valley will disagree with me – that he is the finest minister we have had in living memory.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

I can remember the vicars of Tremlett going back to the 19th Century. And none came close to Revd Nathan.
A giant of a man. We are the poorer for his departure to work in an own-brand Hula Hoops factory.

Yours etc

Mary Mandible, Crooked Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

In keeping with tradition, now that the vicar is leaving I am going to take residence in the kitchen of the vicarage. This is to ensure that it does not suffer from burglars. And also to get a first glimpse of any candidates for the vacancy. Also it is useful as I can pretend to be the ghost if the diocese tries to rent the place out in the interim. I am happy to make this sacrifice in the interests of the benefice, with no thoughts of personal reward.

If you know anyone would like to rent my house in Cold Lane as a holiday home, please let me know. You can get me on the vicar’s number.

Yours etc

Sibelius Bunce, Cold Lane, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

I read that the Evangelicals are trying to take over the Church of England. Can somebody please tell Angela Tilby that, in this village at least, it is “Mission Accomplished”. Come on in, the water’s full of adult baptisms!

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again I am happy to step in to take services during the “interregnum”. I know the trendy term for the gap between two vicars is “vacancy”. But let us be honest. If the clergy cannot rule their parishes like absolute monarch, this is not the Church of England I grew up in.

It will be a joy to be of assistance. As well as a considerable boost to my pension. And, for a few weeks, it will be delightful not to be looking over my shoulder on the way to Evensong in case I case I should be unexpectedly imprisoned in the Post Office, tied to a tree in the forest, or trapped in a giant bottle underwater. Doreen will be busy enough to leave me alone.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby


Dear Sir

Thank you for what I’m sure will have been a deeply uninspiring send off. I’m writing this letter in mid April to try to avoid having to pretend I’m sad after my final service.

It is traditional and right that a departing minister thoroughly separates him or herself from the benefice at the end of their time. In one sense this is very easy. I never regarded any of you as friends. But to be on the safe side, I’ve also taken out an injunction. If any of you attempt to contact me in any way, you will be in contempt of court. You’re all blocked and reported on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

I pray that my successor may have the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon and the hide of a hippopotamus.

My last act before leaving here will be to send the collection of 247 anonymous letters to Banburyshire Police. With any luck, future technology may be able to identify the DNA of the users of the crayons.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan, Tremlett Vicarage, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

I am told to keep this a secret. But it turns out the Bishop is condsidering doing a bit of a merger of the Trim Valley with the Old Wold benefice.

Obviously I am deeply concerned about this. I am not the patron of any parishes in Old Wold. And I don’t see why I should be encouraging my younger son, Chumley, to pretend to be a Christian if I can’t ensure he is the vicar in a few years.

As I say, pretend you never heard this. But I’ll have a few words at the Lodge and see if we can’t get this sorted out.

Yours etc

Sir Richmond Cholmondley-Cholmonley (Bart), Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.


Dear Sir

When May Eve came round in the Trim Valley, it used to be a great time. The hedges were heavy with hawthorn blossom, and the meadows were carpeted with cowslips. We’d all run off into the woods with whomever we could find and, a few months later, the banns would be read for those who’d been unlucky. Or, if it were the vicar who’d found a young lady for the evening, the PCC would quietly arrange an adoption.

Now, the young people sit at home on Social Media and there’s never a woman under thirty having children. And the whole inbreeding issue has stopped since that nurse gave a lecture in the Church Hall in 1974.

Ah, the old things pass away.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I will truly miss Reverend Nathan. What a great, prophetic preacher he was. We will be fortunate indeed if his replacement comes even close.
Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby


Dear Sir

With the church entering this interregnum – a term that seems deeply ironic as Nathan never exactly reigned – this seems to be the time to put back everything to where it was before he arrived, and swear blind that’s how they always were.

So I’ve got the pews back out of the barn if Jeb can drive them up and fit them. Does anyone remember where the Songs of Living Waters are? We can get a few quid for the data projector I reckon. And those copes are definitely going on eBay.

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Easter eggs at 70% off and it’s still not even Advent. Disgraceful!

Yesterday I had to eat six “Belgian Chocolate” ones and all the little chocolates inside. And I wish to remain in the European Union.

Au secours!

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again we had an expensive gift being given to a minister on his departure. And yet did I misinterpret his expression, or did Revd Nathan look disappointed at that family pack of Hula Hoops? I thought he liked them.

I am pleased to say that by putting the bicycle he originally asked for on eBay, we saved the churches the sum of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

I note that we now get Canon Vyvyan to take services every week. The fee for which gets taken out of the Parish Share. And he has his own house which we don’t have to pay for.

Shall we just sell the vicarage and tell the diocese not to bother with a replacement? Should save a few bob.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

We were at the beach.
Everybody had matching towels.
Somebody went under a dock. And there they saw a rock.
It wasn’t a rock.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

As we start to plan for the proper Parish Profiles we should consider what kind of minister we want. One with a deep voice, three children, and a wife who is the mother of those children would seem to be a minimum. But do we think a fourth child would be even better?

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

A poem for the departure of Revd Nathan

The Leaving Priest

Another name added to the list of priests
Written on the church wall
And as they shine there,
glinting in the light that creeps through the eastern rose
I read the litany of their names.

Eardwulf of Banbury is no more
Simon de Longueville died at three score
Robert de St Cast wasn’t much stronger
Gilbert of Lincoln didn’t last longer.
Mark of Brackley is under the nave altar
And so are John James, and Benjamin Walter.
Roderick Cholmondely, from our squires’ line bred
proved that blue blood is as mortal as red.
And old Fr Ed, and long ago Athelred
They’re all of them dead.

Dead dead dead dead.

Fr Vyvyan’s still alive
But doesn’t really thrive.

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Trim Valley Notices w/c 29th April

This week we say goodbye to Revd Nathan, who has led us for the last seven years. We would like to give thanks to him and his wife and children, whoever they are. Please note that we have changed the passwords and taken proper control of this site.

Sunday

Revd Nathan’s Farewell Service: 3 pm, the Cholmondeley Estate. Followed by a Faith Tea. We will be buying him a copy of the book of Writes of the Church so he can remember us all fondly.

Alternative Farewell Services are being held at each church in the benefice at 3pm. Please bring a bottle for the after-service celebrations.

Monday

May Eve: Join Mrs Flossett and her friends as they celebrate May Eve by dancing naked on the moors at midnight. Not necessarily what other Mothers’ Unions do but it’s the tradition in the Valley so what can you do?

Tuesday (May Day)

The annual St Mary’s School maypole dancing will take place on the playground at 11am. It’s going to be as awful as normal. But try not to mention that as it upsets the kids.

Wednesday

The Trim Valley chapter of the Hell’s Angels meets at 9pm. We apologise for the later time. However we needed to avoid the clash with the dominoes league.

During his time here, Revd Nathan has been responsible for the purchase of many challenging works of modern art. Join us in Grilsby Reading Room at 7pm as we see how much we can get for them on e-bay.

Thursday

Selections for the Hanged Man’s Aunt Sally team will take place in the pub garden. Last year Mr Granville who lives next door lost every pane of glass in his greenhouse. So this year they’re setting a 10 pint maximum on players.

Restoration of the BCPs to Lt Tremlett will take place today, ready for Sunday’s Matins.

Friday

To advertise for our next vicar, we’re holding our Church Profile Writing Workshop, Little Tremlett Church Hall.  Let’s see if we can get a good one this time!

Saturday

Trim Valley Croquet Club meet on the vicarage lawn. If they reckon it’s any good they’ll be moving the fence and swearing blind it’s always been theirs.

The Vicar’s Leaving Service

Dear Sir

I am sorry to hear that the vicar is leaving. And further saddened that his farewell service will be held on the Cholmondeley Estate and not, as has been the tradition since Fr Eardwulf left this parish in 973 AD, at St Mary’s.

I am therefore boycotting the service! The vicar needs to learn that he cannot trample roughshod over our traditions in this way.

I will be in St Mary’s at 3pm tomorrow, to light a candle in the vicar’s honour. And to pray that the next one will be more compliant.

Yours etc

Sinead Woolplucker, Drain Drive, Gt Tremlett