Trim Valley Notices w/c 21 January

Sunday 

We have discovered that the stockpile of chutney that Mrs Bramley was planning to sell at the May Fayre, has gone critical in her garage. There is now a 200m exclusion zone around Spring Lane.

Monday

Woodby Chapel Youth Group 4 pm. Once again we have been forced to raise the upper  age limit to reflect demographic changes.  And congratulations to Edith on her 95th birthday.

Tuesday

7.30 The Vicarage.  Bible Study. A new series designed for members of the Church of England, where we answer the important questions – what is the Bible? And why do we read it? And what’s in it?

Wednesday

Revd Giles Fraser will come to St Mary’s School to tell us why boys and girls should consider the Priesthood as a career. Children from the Furnace Road estate should meanwhile go to the gym and learn to stack pallets. It’s for their own good.

Thursday

Bell Ringing practice, St Mary’s Gt Tremlett.  In the light of the unfortunate incident with a young ringer in Abingdon, all ringers are to wear hi vis in future. This will not stop them being entangled in the ropes. But at least you feel like you’ve done something.

Friday

Trim Valley Trotters Over 70s Cross-Country Club annual 3 mile run from Great Tremlett to Grilsby-on-the-Hill. Midday. With it being so heavy underfoot, be careful.  It can be a bit sticky round Piggott’s Bottom. And yet he still won’t use any cream.

Saturday

Church Leaders’ Breakfast 8am, the “Hanged Man”. A chance for the vicar and the Standing Committees of our churches to get together to discuss issues and opportunities across the benefice.

Unofficial Church Leaders’ Breakfast 8am, Deidre’s Cafe. If you think you ought to be running the Church, you ought to be there to find out who else does. A chance to indulge in light character assassination, with the possibility of serious rebellion.


Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews. The book to make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.

 

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Trim Valley Notices: w/c 14 Jan

Please note that Revd Nathan is now back from his post-Christmas holiday. So service patterns are back to normal.

If anyone can still find their palm crosses from last year, please can you bring them back. If you don’t know where they are, try looking in that inspirational book you bought last year. You probably used the cross as a bookmark. It’s probably in about  Chapter 3.

If anybody knows where Canon Westcliffe is, please let us know. He was last seen being dragged into an alley way last Sunday.  All anybody saw was a glimpse of what may have been a blue scarf. Thanks to Doreen, our Reader, for stepping in and leading last week’s services.  How fortunate that she had a sermon with her “just in case”.

Sunday

Benediction, preceded by the ritual Condemning of the Participants as Papists and Idolaters. 8pm, Gt Tremlett.

Monday

Mothers’ Union cancelled. They’re on strike.

Tuesday

Servers’ training, Lt Tremlett, 7pm. Please bring an inexplicable list of why your congregation is different to the other four.

Wednesday

Wedding Rehearsal, Gt Tremlett. We’re expecting the happy couple, one of the four bridesmaids, one of the three best men and the bride’s mother. And the buzzard Ring-bearer. Anyone got any advice on buzzards?

Thursday

Baptism Rehearsal, Woodby. We’re expecting one parent, one of the seventeen godparents, and the kid’s grannies. And a buzzard. A buzzard?

Friday

8pm Liturgy Committee, Grilsby Church (if warm, in the Hall). Feel free to join us as we try to come up with other way of fiddling with the orders of service to make ourselves more “missional”.

7.30 Gt Tremlett – Choir Practice (subject to the usual threats of walkouts)

Saturday

Great Tremlett Church Casino. We know this may be controversial. But rather than keep scraping around for some money we thought this might make pots of the stuff!


procession OHPIt is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. Unless you are a time traveller. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents. If you do, then this will make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.

Trim Valley Notices 7 January

Sunday

We are celebrating both Epiphany and the Baptism of Christ today. Contrary to a wild rumour that sprang up in the villages, it was not the Wise Men that baptised Jesus. So please can someone remove the font from the crib scene In Gt Tremlett.

Monday

Little Devils – the renamed toddler group, to reflect last year’s reality, meets in Lt Tremlett Hall. Please can parents repair any structural damage promptly.

Tuesday

Prayer for the Vicar: since nobody has yet received a resignation we assume he’s still with us. So 8pm at Dr Ireland’s house.

Wednesday

 Contrary to the wag who posted on the notice board that we are celebrating Rod Stewart’s Day, it’s just Mothers’ Union at 7.30pm in Gt Tremlett Church Hall. As part of our inter-faith outreach, we’ll be learning some interesting spells from the local Magick Group.

Thursday

Trim Valley Cheese Makers meet in Grilsby Church Hall. Please bring a raddle.

Funeral for Laura Lynes. She hated everybody in this valley so please don’t attend. 

Friday

Bingo in aid of Woodby Church funds. If anyone has found ball 37 please bring it along. Otherwise some people will be onto a loser from the start.

Saturday

Revd Nathan returns to work after his post-Christmas break. Hopefully well refreshed, and with some better sermons.

Letters to the Church Magazine: January 2018

Dear Everyone

When you read this, I will be away for a couple of weeks, recharging after what has been a challenging Advent and Christmas – albeit a most rewarding one.

I would like to thank our organists, without whom I would be able to bring the church music into the 19th Century; the Church Wardens, who never fail to phone me up, at whatever hour of the day or night, to tell me which church roof has sprung a leak; and Rob Ridout, thanks to whose tractor driving I have been late for services on average 45% of the time.

Of course, at this time we think about New Year Resolutions.  And I am going to make some this year:

  1. To reduce my Hula Hoops dependency
  2. To preach more sermons that mention God
  3. Actually to get a Monday off every week
  4. To improve my church life balance.

I apologise for the lateness of the rotas for January-March. However I assure you I will email them to all Church Officers by Wednesday at the latest.

Yours on the beach (though actually hiding in the garage)

Revd Nathan, The Rectory, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

The trees in the parish churchyard go from strength to strength! The way the line of conifers both protects “God’s Acre” from the weather, and yet acts as a backdrop to the gravestones, is really inspired. I remember when they were planted many people protested about this. How short-sighted they were.

Yours etc,

Fennel Bailey, The Old Orchard House.


Dear Sir

I notice that over the last year, the number of people attending St Jude’s is 26. Last year it was 27.

Admit it – somebody has died, and it is being covered up.

Yours with the stats

Philemon Doyle, Chestnut Lane, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Over the last year, we have lost Revd Joanna to a new job. And yet Revd Nathan has still failed to visit every house in the benefice. A task which, by encouraging more people to attend church, would actually lighten his load. He points to the 30 Sunday services per month and the daily offices that he leads – and the needs of his congregation, some of whom require visiting in hospital, the two schools, the various local committees of which he is a member and the admin.

But all I can say is, if you don’t put anything in, you won’t get anything out. Stop whinging and start grafting, Nathan!

Yours etc

Charmander McBrayne, Woodby Lane, Grilsby


Dear Sir

As we carolled around the Tremletts before Christmas, I noticed a number of people had sprigs of mistletoe, either hung over the doors or just inside the hallways.

Checking over the following nights with a high-powered telescope from the church roof (the highest point in the village) I confirmed that many others have mistletoe in their lounges or other houses.

I expect the vileness to be stamped out when the vicar returns. What sort of village do we live in, where people are kissing?

And what is worse, I have only surveyed half the village. When I saw what was going on through the upstairs window of “Rosebud Cottage”, I toppled over the parapet and spent Christmas Week itself in traction. Disgusting.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

I have been made aware that I have upset the Vicar. I had not noticed at the time, but now I am aware I apologise profusely.

That Russian damson rum my niece bought me as a present was quite warming. I therefore thought it wise to have a few glasses before the Christmas morning service. As a result, I accused the vicar of being a “relic of English feudalism, drinking the blood of the peasant poor while raking in 10% of their earnings, in a line of vampires going back to the Monks of Thorney.” I also encouraged him to flee the valley before we collectivised the vicarage garden and installed Dr Ireland as a replacement clergy.

I have also inadvertently given Dr Ireland some inspiration, to judge by the way she banned Canon Westcliffe from the pulpit this morning and instead preached her own sermon, “The 40 worse sins and who in Tremlett is committing each.” Not the usual happy sermon for the Sunday after Christmas we expect.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again, Cadbury Creme Eggs will be on sale as of January 1. This gives you precisely 3 months to eat as many as possible before Easter. I recommend a couple for breakfast.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again I am taking advantage of the vicar’s absence to advertise our special Imbolc Service. Starting at 11.30pm on February 1st. Clothing is strictly optional, but we will be holding it in Woodby Reading Room. We aren’t as young as we used to be.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I note that once again Revd Nathan is not in the New Year’s Honours List.

This is a bit radical, but I suggest that Revd Nathan starts living like Jesus: loving the poor, preaching brilliant sermons, radically reinventing an old religious tradition.

It’s only slight chance. But it might work.

Yours etc

Gabrielle Fitch Thompson, the Old Market House, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

What a lovely Christmas Nativity Play that was! Seeing the little ones so nervous, and yet so proud as they told us the greatest story every told! And what a nice twist – the Hatchimals in the stable along with the ox and ass. You have to move with the times, while keeping the important ingredients of the season.

Although I am a regular Christmas attendee, I will certainly be joining the congregation more often in the New Year!

Yours etc

Jasmine Jones, “Chitterings”, Wheezy Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Too late to say I love you
Too late to restage the play
Abandoning the relics in my playground of yesterday

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

A new year brings a new one of my famous “vicar jokes.

Q: What’s black and white and can’t be seen?

A: The vicar hiding from everybody on his week off.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby


Dear Sir

A poem at the end of another year of goodbyes.

“2017”

Jane Freeman, our Ivy from the caff
Peter Sallis who gave us all a laff*

Gorden Kaye from ‘Allo ‘Allo
Chuck Berry, who’d Go, Johnny, Go.

Roger Moore,one eyebrow raised
Colin Dexter, whose “Morse” was praised.

Keith Chegwin, who went on telly nude
Angus Young, whose songs could be rude.

Fats Domino rests on Blueberry Hill
David Cassidy, sadly now still.

Charles Manson, the evil long-time lag
John Surtees has seen the final chequered flag.

Hywell Bennett: Shelley will be missed
Tara Palmer Tompkinson, who was also often on TV.

Adam West: “Biff! Bop! Pow!”
Tom Petty has broke our hearts now.

Death death death
death death death
death death death.
Death.

* Authentic Yorkshire dialect 

Wishing you a joyful 2018.

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


procession OHPIt is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. Unless you are a time traveller. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents. If you do, then this will make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.

Notices : w/c 31 December

Sunday: Please note that the Vicar is on holiday. Therefore all the services will be led properly by our former minister, Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe.

Please also note that the Vicar has rather unwisely shared his password so this website can be updated. We have taken the opportunity to plan a few events while he is away.

Monday: Prayer for the Vicar to improve. Dr Ireland’s House, Dunphlebbin, Gt Tremlett. 8pm.

Tuesday: Prayer for the Vicar to develop some vision. Details as above.

Wednesday: Prayer for the Vicar to gain discernment. Details as above.

Thursday: Prayer for the Vicar to read the Bible in the right way.

Friday: Prayer for a new Vicar if all else fails.

Saturday: Meeting to develop a new Parish Profile. Just in case none of the other prayers has the right effect. Details as above.

Sunday 7th: Epiphany (transferred from 6th). We remember how important to the church’s mission it is to have wise men. Services at 8am (Woodby Chapel); 9 am (Gt Tremlett); 10.30 (Lt Tremlett); 4pm (Woodby); 6pm (Grilsby-on-the-Hill) led by Canon Westcliffe. Unless something unfortunate happens to him.


procession OHPIt is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. Unless you are a time traveller. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents. If you do, then this will make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.

Trim Valley Notices: Week Commencing 24th December

This week and next are among the holiest weeks of the year. A time that includes St Stephen’s Day; St John the Evangelist; Holy Innocents; Thomas Becket; the Name of Jesus; and the Epiphany. A time for reflecting on the Incarnation and praising God.

After Christmas Day, there will no weekday services until 12 January. Sunday services on 31st December and 7 January will be led by our previous minister, Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe. There are no other events.

That’s it. Nothing else happening. The Vicar is going on retreat. Or, to be more accurate, going to be spending a week in a Wetherspoons on the East Coast followed by a week hiding from Parishioners by only ever going out at night.


escaped donkeyIt is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents.

Trim Valley Notices w/c 17 December

There are no notices this week. I have spent every waking moment since last Sunday at some kind of Christmassy event. So I’ve not had time to organise. This morning’s sermon, at whatever churches I am at, will be the same sermon as every year’s John the Baptist sermon.
If you want to go to some kind of event over the next week, just go to one of the churches. Something will either happen, be happening or have just happened.

Revd Nathan