Letters to the Church Magazine – August 2016

Dear Sir

The recent “Brexit” vote appears to have been swung by the number of people who voted in the belief that a “Leave” vote meant many people from other countries would have to leave. This attitude is deplorable. There are far more people we should be looking to remove. Specifically:

  • Liberals
  • People who wear chasubles
  • Liberals who wear chasubles
  • Giles Fraser
  • Organists
  • Nudists
  • Nudist organists
  • People who are still ripping off jokes from “Reggie Perrin” 40 years on
  • Atheists
  • Socialists
  • Nudist atheist socialist organists
  • People who read the New International Version of the Bible
  • Animal Liberationists
  • The quiz show “Pointless”, which accepts people even if they are in the groups above
  • People who can’t quite hit high F# but keep trying
  • Lesbians
  • Thespians
  • Pedestrians
  • Latvians.

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

Once again six months have passed and Revd Nathan has not made it into the news.

In these days when there are many famous, attractive priests on the telly I feel he is not trying hard enough. He should maybe rob a bank, become a pop star or develop a radical  theory that St Timothy was Welsh.

Yours etc

Gabrielle Fitch Thompson, the Old Market House, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

I note from last month’s magazine that every inhabitant of Woodby Chapel End is now past the age of retirement. A remarkable tribute to the attractiveness of the village, its health-giving climate and the way our beautiful Trim Valley encourages active lives even in the 8th and 9th decades.

Of course the downside is that property prices are stupidly expensive now, and nobody else can afford to retire there! Like me.  That’s why I’m starting a course on “Extreme Eurythmics” in the chapel hall on Wednesdays at 8.

Yours etc,

Fennel Bailey, The Old Orchard House, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

The hymn sheet on Sunday said “Savior”, not “Saviour”. Clearly the vicar had downloaded the song from an American website. It could have been owned by Donald Trump.

I used to work for the “Socialist Worker” newspaper. This would never have been allowed.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

My oh my, you’re such a big boy
On a Saturday night.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

It has been seven months since Christmas and I regret that I have not managed to return to St Mary’s since that lovely Nativity Play.

Wherever I have been since that beautiful performance – on holiday, away on business or (typically) in bed – I have always intended to pop into a Sunday service. I am sure I will make it before next Christmas.

Yours etc

Jasmine Jones, “Chitterings”, Wheezy Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

That is a fantastic new  range of polish the church cleaners are using. After a hard day at the allotment, I have found there is nothing like having a quick “buffing up” with the brass cleaner. Quite sets me up for the evening.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I hear that the new version of the Church website has been cleverly programmed so that it can be viewed on a phone! What will our social medium, Doris, think of next. I tried to look at it on my phone but where will it appear? All I can see is some numbers. Do I need to look down the receiver?

Yours etc

Chesney Peterson, Walnut Grove, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Is it just me that has noticed that, increasingly, there is nothing to do with the smaller decimal coins – 1p, 2p and 1/2p? Certainly I have been spending a lot of time moving it around on the sideboard without ever quite getting round to spending it. When one buys the weekly shop or, as it may be, a round at the Hanged Man, with a bagful of pennies people can get quite annoyed. And lots of small change can wear holes in one’s trousers.

Which is why last year I came up with the concept of the “Change Bucket” in the church porch. Over the last 12 months we have raised £5.33 in loose change from passers-by!

Of course, to prevent theft I had to have the bucket made out of stainless steel, fastened by a five-level padlock, and brazed to the railings – and had to get a faculty to do so. I therefore include an invoice for the treasurer to the value of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

After twelve months we have decided to stop the “Messy Church” at Woodby Chapel due to low attendances. People told us we were foolish to try, that it had never worked before and that it was against God’s law. But we are not disheartened. It is still my fervent belief that we have a mission to the young families of the village.

Yours etc

Chloe Joey, “El Nino Cottage”, Woodby Chapel End 


Dear Sir

Once again the vicar has been suggesting that we should put money into the collection plate – on the flimsy grounds that this will enable the church to pay the wages of priests. When will this naked socialism end? Why can the church not pay him out of its own money?

Yours etc

Mary England,  Carstairs House, Woodby

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