Letters to the Church Magazine: May 2017

Dear Sir

As the election approaches, I often ask myself the question: how would Jesus vote?

Conservative, obviously.

Yours etc

Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

As we enter the Month of Maying, we remember all those that celebrate the start of the summer seasons by casting clouts and disappearing into the woods and fields for a spot of al fresco fornication.

Already this year  I have identified seven such couples, in Barebottom Spinney alone. I have names and photographic evidence posted up in the church porch, and on the Facebook page “Free Tremlett from Sin”.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again it was a joy to support the vicar by “standing in” for many of the Trim Valley services during his post-Easter vacation. How they enjoyed the reintroduction of “singing in tongues”, a rite that has not been used in Grilsby-on-the-Hill since 325 AD.

I did miss out on Evensong at Little Tremlett on the last Sunday of Revd Nathan’s holiday. A very strange event indeed. I was just about to head out for the service when I received a phone call from Boris Johnson, telling me he needed help with designing a special bridge in honour of Joanna Lumley over the river Trim.

I walked down to the spot where he instructed me. And imagine my surprise when I was pushed over, tied up, and stuck in a rubber dinghy. I travelled some considerable distance downstream.

Eventually a punter on the Cherwell near Marston Ferry pulled me out, and provided me with gin at a nearby hostelry. As a result perhaps of these recuperative stimulants, I have rather a hazy recollection of that afternoon’s events. All I remember seeing on that river bank was the flash of what appeared to be a white gown, and a glimpse of the ends of a blue scarf.

I would like to express my thanks to the Reader, Doreen who was coincidentally at Woodby Chapek that evening, with a sermon that, I am told, was completely in keeping with the readings. God is good!

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby


Dear Sir

A female vicar in Bedfordshire has installed a set of dear little plastic chairs in the Lady Chapel for the children. Apparently she received much approval and just the one complaint.

But all I did was sneak in and install a ball pit, plastic slides and penny arcade in the North Transept. And all of a sudden it’s “sacrilege.”

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

I received a bowlful of blancmange, several hundred silver stars and half a pound of red glitter glue in my hair at the Chapel last Wednesday evening.

But when I demanded to know if this was how Messy Church was supposed to be, they told me I had actually wandered into the PCC.

Yours etc

Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.


Dear Sir

Once again over Easter we had to deal with all the usual questions about whether the Easter Bunny was a spaceman.

Let us be clear. We celebrate Easter in honour of the birth of the Bunny, who flies around the earth scattering his chocolate eggs. If anyone has a Gospel other than this, let them be Anthea.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I would like to complain about the installation of the icon of Our Lady in Woodby church. I know this kind of trendy artwork is popular with so-called modernists. But I find it ruins the traditional look of the place. I go to church for peeling plaster and the smell of damp hymn books – not a numinous experience of being in contact with the Saints.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby


Dear Sir

Why did the Vicar get so excited on Easter Day?  Ridiculous. Worked the children up to a terrible frenzy with his unlikely claims that Jesus is alive. Put me off my crossword.

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I used to be worried, when the Vicar was away on his post-Easter rest, that the temporary replacement might preach long, boring sermons. But not anymore.

Now I bring the twelve bore to church, the sermons are guaranteed no more than 5 minutes.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

As treasurer of the parish I am well aware that we are running at a monthly deficit of £74.22. The remedy to this, I was sure, was a set of informative leaflets in the church, explaining the running costs of the diocese, the cost of housing for clergy, and the need for curate training.

I was not expecting the “Grilsby Riots” to break out. I will be frank, I was terrified of the mob of 9 people demanding independence from the Bishop of Banburyshire, that the vicar go out and get a proper job, and that we get a curate who is “intelligent enough to do her own learning”.

In the course of the riot, my front fence suffered an amount of damage.  I therefore enclose an invoice to the value of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

There is some disturbing stuff in the news these days. The shadow of Brexit, as we go to the polls. The nightmare that Jeremy Corbyn might win the election and nationalise my shed to make more jam. The possibility of nuclear war in North Korea, and the ever-present threat that a terrorist might attack Great Tremlett Farmers Market.

And yet that does not justify the Church Magazine completely overlooking the introduction of a new plate into the church hall kitchen. My great-aunt bequeathed her old tea set to the church when she died. If she knew somebody was introducing new crockery in a different pattern, she would turn in her grave. If her ashes had not been fired into space on that rocket.

Yours etc

Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill


Dear Sir

Sheena is a punk rocker.
Sheena is a punk rocker.
Sheena is a punk rocker. Now.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

I loathe the tendency of Mavis Flossett and her “Mothers Union” to head for the hills to indulge in pagan rites on supposedly “traditional” holidays. Therefore last night I took steps to prevent their devilish practices – successfully, I have to say.

The claim that neo-pagan practitioners are “peaceful” is clearly a lie. I now have nine angry, naked middle-aged women in a bear pit, and their threats are blood-curdling.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

The Tremlett Photography Club regret to announce they have to disband. The raid by Thames Valley Police was quite a shock. And we’ve no idea what Mildred was doing.

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

As the spring comes in, a reminder of the long-gone traditions of this ancient English landscape.

THE WOLD

The gentle curve of a limestone wold
From Mother Nature’s womb
the flowers spring, to bring again
colour to the coombe.

The spring that feeds the joyful Trim
sings gladly down the lea
As merrily it runs its way down
to the distant sea.

And lambs that graze upon the banks
that line its merry course
will gambol, unsuspecting that
they’ll get served with mint sauce.

Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.

Wishing you a springy spring!

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

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