Notices: w/c 30 July 2017

Please note if you are reading this notice sheet in Woodby Chapel, the service today is in Great Tremlett.  We’ll start 10 minutes late to let you get over here.

Sun 30th: “All Together” at Great Tremlett – the launch of our Holiday Club, “Nehemiah Rap”.

Mon 31st: Holiday Club at Little Tremlett (10am – noon)

Mon 31st 11.30pm: Mildred Flossett’s “Modern Paganism” group will be assembling on Grilsby Down to celebrate Lammas Eve. A festival of youth, life, fertility and the love of nature. In Gt Tremlett Church Hall if wet.

Tue 1st August: Holiday Club at Woodby (10.05-12.15)

Mothers’ Union Film Night: “Apocalypse Now” 8pm, Woodby Chapel

Wed 2nd : Holiday Club at Grilsby-on-the-Hill (9.54-12.16)

Vicarage Garden Party: 8pm in Chomondeley Hall

Thu 3rd : Holiday Club at Woodby Chapel End (10.01-12.12)

Fish and Chip Seaside Supper – 5pm at Little Tremlett

Fri 4th : Holiday Club at Great Tremletet (10am – noon)

Post-Holiday Club drinks for leaders : Quiet Woman, Grilsby, 1pm – closing

Sat 5th : May be a bit blank

Sun 6th : NB service at Woodby Chapel is cancelled as they’re all going to Hunstanton for the day.

Great Tremlett: “Bring your uncle to church day”

This Week’s Notices

Sunday 23rd – Evensong at 6pm tonight will be at Grilsby. It would be really nice if people from the other churches could turn up. As nobody from Grilsby ever does. Please don’t bother turning up for Compline as we won’t have to try and sing that hymn if you don’t and I really can’t be bothered with it.
Monday 24th – Mothers’ Union viewing of “Game of Thrones”.

Tuesday 25th – Beetle Drive. Please bring your own beetle and tiny whip.

Wednesday 26th – Carol Service Rehearsal, Gt Tremlett, 8pm

Thursday 27th – “Lord of the Dance – the Electro-Punk Symphony” – Woodby, 7.30 – midnight. Adults only.

Friday 28th – Senior Citizens Paintball 2pm, “The Slaughterhouse”, Woodby Forest Nature Reserve

Saturday 29th – Churchyard Tidy-Up at Little Tremlett!  After last year’s events can people only bring chainsaws if they are appropriately accredited and not on strong medication.

Church Notices – 16 July 2017

Tonight’s Evensong would be at Grilsby on the Hill. But really, what’s the point?

Monday 17th: Cubs 7pm Little Tremlett Church Hall. This week it’s the “Conflict Resolution Badge”.

Tuesday 18th 8pm:  Dr Ireland will be leading her Morality Task Force on a sweep of Barebottom Spinney. And when we say “sweep” – she is planning to take the yard brush with the particularly spiky bristles. So stay well away from all hanky panky, is our advice.

Wednesday 19th: Woodby Chapel Men’s Fellowship. Simon Donut will be sitting in the chapel on his own, remembering his departed friends.

Thursday 20th: 2 pm last “Tiny Tots” of the school year at Gt Tremlett Church Hall. We plan to use the summer months to remove glitter from the floor. Any offers of industrial grinding equipment will be grarefully received.

7pm: Bell Ringing practice at Little Tremlett. Toby reckons he’s worked out how we can ring the best of Daft Punk. Bring a few lagers.

Friday 21st: Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Followed by a skimmity ride to Nathaneal Brakebones’s house. Dr Ireland to provide photographic evidence.

Saturday 22nd 8am: Men’s Breakfast at Great Tremlett. Please bring an egg.

Nathan on Twitter

After the Twitter account @ourCofE went on sabbatical, I decided someone should show the grime, muck and bullets of a vicar at the coal face of the Church of England.
And who better than the minister of five well-heeled villages on the edge of the Cotswolds? If you tweet, then you can find me at @NotTheCofE.


Revd Nathan

Church Notices: 9 July

Tonight’s Evensong will be at Woodby Chapel. It only holds 39 so arrive early to ensure you get a seat. Who am I kidding? Please please turn up. Or it’s just me and the Combined Benefice Choir. And I am scared. Revd Nathan. 

Monday 10th: Cubs 7pm Little Tremlett Church Hall. Please pray for their leaders, still recovering after the cubs slipped those tarantulas into their tents at the recent camp

Tuesday 11th 8pm:  “Get a Grip. Why transgender people should just thank God for how he made them.” Dr Ireland will be leading a demonstration against Church of England liberalism by burning the vicar in effigy on the Gt Tremlett village green

Wednesday 12th: Mother’s Union. Dorothea Plunkett talks to us on “Wife Swapping in the Cotswolds.” With slides.

Thursday 13th: 8pm at Grilsby: “30 years a Hedge Fund Manager.” Denzil Dodgie tells us how the Lord blessed him with the biggest house in Grilsby-on-the-Hill and a Jag.

7pm: Bell Ringing practice at Little Tremlett. Cutting out the unproductive part of the evening, the ringers will just meet in the pub and skip the ringing.

Friday 14th: Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Please bring a pointy stick in case of strangers.

Saturday 15th: Fete at Little and Great Tremlett, Grilsby and Woodby. Please come and buy some dog-eared rubbish that you can contribute to the fete next year.

Sunday 16th: See service rota for the hideously complex details.

Letters to the Church Magazine: July 2017

Dear Sir

I approve of the Church Council’s decision to grow a wild flower meadow in the older parts of the churchyard. What a great idea! We should respect the environment.

But can they at least cut the grass? It looks very scruffy with all those weeds.

Yours with the anti-histamine,

Germaine Johnson, Garage Lane, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

All the members of the Grinton family have been baptised, married and buried in Great Tremlett Church for the last two hundred years.

We’ve never been to a regular service. What happens?

Yours etc

Kiki Grinton, Shandling Street, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Once again the traditional Gt Tremlett v Woodby Chapel Choirs tug-of-war competiton ended in a resounding win for the “Tremblers.”

Dear Aggie put up a valiant battle, but against eight strapping tenors and basses she never had a chance and had to be dragged out of the River Trim.

I admire her faith and belief in  a future Renaissance of Woodby Chapel choir music. But maybe Aggie could take a temporary retirement from tug-of-war until the revival actually happens? She is, after all, 93.

Yours etc

Mildred Peabody, Chapel Lane, Woodby Chapel End

Dear Everybody

Please note that from now on, all baptisms at Woodby will be on the 2nd Sunday of the month at 10am. In keeping with church best practice this will be the main church service of the day.

For those who want to avoid baptism parties there will be another service at Woodby Chapel at the same time.

When we trialled this last month the entire regular congregation went to Woodby Chapel. We had to drag Edgar into the car and take him down to Woodby, or we wouldn’t have had an organist.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan

Dear Sir

I went to church last Sunday and was met at the door by someone who smiled, said hello, and gave me the hymn and service books.

I shall never return until this sort of thing stops. I demand my right as an Englishman to attend and go from church without anyone speaking to me or making eye contact.

Yours etc

Archie Tulip, Borough Lane, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

Summer is here! And with it a glut of fresh fruit and the earliest vegetables. But what to do with them when they arrive in such abundance?

I found out my great-grandfather’s old book of country crafts and winemaking. What wisdom our ancestors had!

I ate four ounces of those mushrooms that he planted in the cellar in 1884 and I thought I was Father Christmas. Amazing stuff.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I attended the service at St Mary’s last Sunday and I was very disappointed in the changes that have happened since I last attended.

Some of the congregation were not there because they are now dead. And the ones that are left are substantially older than I remember. There were also some children that I did not recognise.

The Alternative Service Books have been removed and replaced with something called Common Worship. And, I regret to say, it is.

Worst, there was a woman called Joanna pretending she was a priest. What have you done with old Canon Westcliffe?

Yours etc

Grimly Ingleton, Furnace End, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

So what have the events of the last month shown us?

A weak leader propped up by divided lieutenants. No clear vision, a lack of energy, and a feeling of foreboding for the future. The rise of a plausible alternative, showing a vision that can inspire the young.

Still, enough of the vicar’s situation. The General Election result was disappointing.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin”, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

What great kindness of Mrs Slope to donate to the church a new  laptop and data projector – a great aid to the flexibility and family friendliness of our services!

However I have calculated that, used every Sunday for 70 minutes and at Messy Church, the electricity to run them could cost as much as £74.22 per annum.

I have therefore sold them to buy candles.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I note that the book of this blog, “Writes of the Church: Gripes and Grumbles of the People in the Pews” is now available for pre-order on both Bible Readers’ Fellowship and Amazon.

Obviously, it would be mercenary and blatant to plug it in any way.


Yours etc

Eileen Fitzroy-Russell, The Great House, Husborne Crawley, Beds

Dear Sir

I see that Yoko Ono may be recognised as co-author of the song “Imagine”.

This seems very fair to me, and in keeping with our more equal society.

If she contributed to the dreadful old dirge, she should share the blame.

I plan to have it played at my funeral. I have always hated my family.

Yours etc

Bing Bingley, Maypole Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

Sex on the TV, everybody’s at it.

Your mind gets dirty as you get closer to 30.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Lane, Woodby

Dear Sir

The Vicar’s introduction of Taize music at the 9.15 last week was quite out of place. This is not the Church I grew up in.

If I wanted my worship in a beautiful but dead language, I would go to the 8am BCP Communion.

Yours etc

Shankly Gates, Hill Meadow, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

A poem for the holiday season.


The o’erhead sun in glory shines
enlightening the country lanes
and sweet dog roses’ flow’rs refines
and burns the skins of maids and swains.

And swiftly to the sea they run
from every inland village street
to lie on beaches in the sun
and drink their cheap tequila neat.

Such celebrating youth, ’tis true
is reckless both of sin and age
it celebrates its blessings new
neglecting e’er to turn the page.

And so, mouse-like, the summer hordes
Bowie-unknowing, in the sun
from Ibiza to the Norfolk broads
‘ware not their race will soon be run.

Death death death death
Death death death death
Death death death death
Death death death death

Wishing all your readers a blessed, if short and soon to turn to autumn, summer.

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby on the Hill