In retrospect, I over-reacted last Saturday when the Scouts were doing their charity fancy dress car-wash outside Spar.
When driving out of the car park of a shop in a small town, one does not expect to see a scoutmaster and somebody dressed as Iggle Piggle looming up and pointing at one’s windscreen. And I panicked.
In my defence, I only drove as far as Banbury before the scoutmaster fell off the bonnet. However “Iggle Piggle” trapped his arm in the windscreen wiper. It was only when his head fell off in Stow that I realised it was Revd Nathan. I hope the vicar had a pleasant walk home from Bourton on the Water. I believe “Birdland” is quite nice. But after that shock, there was no way I would offer him a lift back.
Constanza Nearby, “Donebloggin'”, Woodby
The vicar hung his jacket on a different hook in the vestry last week.
Surely this needed a faculty?
Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.
There’s sex all over the place these days. On the TV, in the papers, in the Bible, on the Internet, in “Bare-bum Spinney” – all over. And yet the Church continues to conduct weddings. Surely this is just encouraging them.
Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.
Maybe I should not have attended the Pet Service. Mrs Dumpling, after all, has always advised me that one should never work with vicars or animals.
I was in a slightly mystical state, having eaten 4 jars of chilli jam that I won at the Harvest Auction of Produce the previous day. And in the event watching Mrs Bramley’s goldfish swimming in circles left me in a kind of trance. Halfway through “If I were a Butterfly” I became convinced I was, in fact, the relevant animal in each line.
I admit that, in a service attended by many small mammals, hopping around the church in the manner of a kangaroo was a mistake.
The joke I made to lighten the mood may not have helped. Asking Jerome whether he was from “HamsterJam” was tactless.
I have offered to buy Jerome a new hamster. But he just tells me “Hammy was special”.
Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett
I would like to apologise for my typo in last month’s magazine where we were intending to advertise a “Mothers’ Union” meeting. The results of an unfortunate autocorrect, I expect.
In the event, it was a surprise and yet in an odd way quite touching to see all the onions that the mothers brought along to the church.
Quite brought a tear to my eye.
Revd Nathan, the Rectory, Gt Tremlett
Late September and once again we had a Harvest Festival. Did we not do this last year? These trendy special events are ruining the Church I grew up in.
If this kind of thing continues, Luther will have won.
Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett
An early advert for our special event at the end of the month.
The coven will meet on the long barrow on Tremlett Tump at 10.30 as usual. Then process to Hangman’s Copse where we will dance naked. Weather permitting. In case of frost or rain we will use the Village Hall. The old arthritics don’t cope with the bad weather these days.
Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett
Some girls are bigger than others.
Some girls are bigger than others.
Some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers.
Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby
Time for another of my famous “vicar” jokes.
Q – What do you call a female vicar who’s accidentally fallen into an open grave at a funeral?
A – Anything you like like. She’s going to have other things on her mind.
Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby
As the autumn draws in, I felt moved to poetry.
“The Falling Leaves”
The conkers lying on the ground
So shiny, brown, and nearly round
The squirrels search them swiftly out
To hide them in some hole, no doubt
But then when winter’s time has come
The stupid beasts can’t even find one
So, tumbling from the homely tree
They die, exhausted, on the ley.
And, as the wind the branches weaves,
They’re buried ‘neath the falling leaves.
Death death death
death death death
death death death.
The falling leaves.
Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill