Letters to the Church Magazine: January 2017

Dear Sir

A couple of years ago, a row of coniferous trees was planted along the northern edge of Gt Tremlett churchyard.

I am pleased to see that they have settled in nicely and are already attracting the wildlife. What an addition they have been to our village! I was impressed with the idea from the start.

Yours etc,

Fennel Bailey, The Old Orchard House.

Dear Sir
Thanks to everyone in the “Golden Girls” over-80s Bingo group for their fund—raising event for the new kitchen. In retrospect, the sponsored Bog Snorkel through Tremlett Marsh may have been ambitious. Still, adding two legacies to the sponsorship money has brought in a tidy sum.
Yours with the funeral fees,

Revd Nathan, The Rectory, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Over the last year, the Church Wardens have given me many reasons why there are only 27 people in Church on a Sunday:

  • Weather too hot
  • People on holiday
  • Weather too cold
  • Rain
  • Children playing football on Sunday mornings
  • Everyone too hung over after the Harvest Supper
  • Everyone gone away for Christmas
  • “A rumour went round that the bishop would be here so they’ve stayed away”

I suspect that there are only in fact 27 church members, but the vicar is trying to keep this a secret.

Yours with the counting machine,

Philemon Doyle, Chestnut Lane, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

With a new year comes a new resolution!

I suggest one for the vicar.  Why does he not visit every single house in the benefice, every month? In this way he will be achieving the church’s mission, getting himself fit, and – most of all – doing his job.

Old Fr Honeywicke managed to visit everybody in the parish every month in 1935. Admittedly he had just the parish of Grilsby, and only nine people lived there in those days. But Revd Nathan has a car. There is no excuse.

Yours etc

Charmander McBrayne, Woodby Lane, Grilsby

Dear Sir

How I loved the traditional Christmas events! And yet at this time of purity and holiness, I bet some members of the congregation were still considering the sins of the flesh.

I did invite everyone to fill in a questionnaire – “How long is it since you succumbed to the temptations of your lower beastly nature?” I thought it would help the vicar to get some better control over his congregation’s enthusiasms – something he has paid no attention to over the last few years.

But only one person – Mrs Sparrow – filled it in. And included far more detail than I was expecting. I have not been able to sleep for a week since reading it. I suspect I now understand how Mr Sparrow feels.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

I can only apologise for my behaviour at this time of festive celebration.

I know I have occasionally allowed my susceptibility to aromatic substances and ardent spirits to influence my behaviour in church and around the village. So this December I felt sticking to natural, wholesome produce would be sure to keep me on the straight and narrow. I kept to a strict diet of the mushrooms I found growing under the compost bin.

I have no idea what possessed me to scream “Aliens! Run!” throughout the Christingle. Nor challenge my friend Mr Charkles to a  throwing competition. I apologise to Maisie, and promise that if I every throw Christmas Puddings competitively again, I won’t light the brandy first.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Once again Dr Ireland has posted a list of the year’s “notorious sinners” around the village. I would like to make it clear that I have no interest in Mrs Dermer, except as a faithful member of the congregation and able mezzo soprano.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan, the Rectory, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I see the Creme Eggs have appeared in the shops. Outrageous, at this time of year. If they came out in early December, I could eat them at Christmas.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Thanks for letting me advertise our inter-faith event on 2nd February: “Imbolc Awareness”.

If you’re coming please bring a lamb and some mint sauce. “Cutlery” will be provided.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
‘This could be heaven or this could be Hell.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

A new year brings a new one of my famous “vicar jokes.

Q: What’s black and white and flat out?

A: The vicar on Christmas Day after lunch.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby

Dear Sir

A poem at the end of a year of goodbyes.


David Gest, David Bowie,

Carrie Fisher, Cliff Mitchelmore,

Arnold Palmer. Jean Alexandra,

Paul Daniels, Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jimmy Perry, Bobby Vee,

Jimmy Young and Harper Lee,

Rick Parfitt, Peter Vaughan,

Liz Smith, Caroline Aherne,

Johann Cruff – magician with a ball

“Boutros Boutros-Ghali” to you all.

Death death death

death death death

death death death.


Wishing you a joyful 2017.

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

What a lovely Christmas Nativity Play that was! Seeing the little ones so nervous, and yet so proud as they told us the greatest story every told! And what a nice twist – the baby Jesus receiving a Hatchimal along with the more traditional gifts. You have to move with the times, while keeping the important ingredients of the season.

Although I am a regular Christmas attendee, I will certainly be joining the congregation more often in the New Year!

Yours etc

Jasmine Jones, “Chitterings”, Wheezy Lane, Gt Tremlett