October 2014

Dear Sir

The clergy of today seem to be obsessed with sex. Deviance, strange orientations, unconventional marriages – commonplace in the Church, it seems. Sexual practices, inclination, who can do what with whom – every padre on the telly and on the wireless and printed press is banging on about it the whole time. Especially some cove called Miles Freezer, for whom being a white, public-school-educated, straight man appears to be something of a disappointment.

In fact, the only member of the clergy who never discusses sex, and the unusual things that some people do with each other’s bodies and their own, is Revd Nathan.

What’s wrong with him? It would liven up his sermons no end, a bit of rumpy-pumpy. Especially if he listed the kinds of equipment he was condemning.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Last week, the church notice sheet was on light yellow paper. What has happened to the normal light green? It is this kind of thing that led to the downfall of Byzantium. I used to be in the Civil Service and this would never happen.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.

Dear Sir

I would like to object in the strongest terms to the vicar’s banning me from leading intercessions.

Simply because I included, in my prayers, petitions that God would forgive Jasmine, the young lady who was married last month in Grilsby, for each of the relationships in which she had been involved before her wedding. Naturally I named all seven of her former lovers by name – God needs to know what she should be forgiven for, and especially that fling with Rosie. We know what God thinks about this sort of thing.

Since I refuse to promise not to be bring God’s mercy into the prayers next time I am on the rota, Revd Nathan has quite arbitrarily removed me from the list.

I shall therefore be praying most diligently at home for all the petitions I would otherwise lead at church. And, by common request, I shall post the names of those I have been praying for on the notice board outside the Village Hall.

Yours etc

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

When I moved to the countryside, it is true to think that I considered it something of a rural idyll. The bleating of sheep, the trickle of the brooks, the friendly neighbours looking out for one, and – most of all – the peace and quiet.

Instead I find that, not only do I spend half my life driving long distances down bad roads to get anywhere, but I am being awoken by the bells every Sunday morning, kept awake by the church clock chiming through the night, and annoyed by endless practising by the ringers on Wednesday evenings. My family and I have had enough of this. This is not why we came here.

If this continues, I will be forced to sue the PCC.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan, Gt Tremlett Vicarage

Dear Sir

While all the talk is of Iraq and Syria, I notice that the “wild flower meadow” has a self-sown “Nigella” growing in it. And, sadly, I don’t mean the lovely chef of that name, but her fuzzy blue floral namesake.

We need to get our act together, or Richard Dawkins will have won.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.

Dear Sir

At the last PC, the subject came up of the cost of cleaning the choir and servers’ robes. This can be quite shocking – sometimes as much as £74.22.

Having been observing the choir and servers, I have noticed that they often robe up to 10 minutes before services, and wander around – even doing tidying-up type chores – afterwards. My calculation is that, if they were only to wear liturgical clothing when actually required, they could save up to 33% on cleaning costs. Yet the vicar just ignores me when I mention it.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job. And heaven knows, I’m miserable now.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

It has remarked that, at last week’s baptism at Grilsby, the number of visitors was 46 people, and the number of regular worshippers who attended the Eucharist with Baptism was two. Some have wondered why so few of the regulars were there.

Well, I would like to explain. We who decided to spend the morning in the garden, or in bed, were making a point. We object to our weekly opportunity to meet with God being spoiled by the presence of a bunch of people who don’t know him, or how to behave in his presence. Children at baptisms run about, their parents sit down at the wrong time or even face in the wrong direction.

And yet this nuisance is allowed to continue. We will continue to boycott baptisms in the regular service until the Vicar understands this.

To put it another way, we love our church. We love its pews – which get scuffed and kicked by these tiny terrorists as they run around. We love our memorials and our sense of maintaining continuity with the past. And we don’t care if, when we die, the church closes.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

A lot of concern has been expressed about last week’s sermon, “Why the Revelation is just like a load of gummy bears, building a giant expressway through the Belgian desert.” After chemical analysis of the refreshments served at the “10 O’Clock Mingle” as we awaited the vicar’s arrival from Gt Tremlett, I would like to reassure everybody that there’s nothing wrong with the vicar. It was simply that GrannyJagger had accidentally served up her “special” biscuits, which she had meant for the Mothers’ Union.

Yours etc

Dolbey Noize-Reduction, Red Barn Lane, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

Why all this fuss about baptisms at Grilsby? I’m one of the few regular worshippers who attend. I love it. The Peace is my only chance to hug young women I don’t know without getting a Police Caution. And there’s far more at the average baptism. Hurrah!

Yours etc

Dicky Vickers, Church Rise, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Advertisements