Trim Valley Notices: w/c 25 March

Firstly, thanks to Mrs Dobermann, whose Great Dane, “Rodney”, did such a sterling job as a replacement donkey this morning for the Palm Sunday service. He was an hour late, but then the clocks had gone forward.

Monday

The Grilsby-on-the-Hill Holy Week Party. Come along to find out how the parishioners of Grilsby have been totally missing the point of the season for decades. (Please bring a bottle)

Tuesday

Join Major Dumpling as he chases the WeightWatchers from the Church Hall with a whip of cords. His daily consumption of Chocolate Oranges always goes too far about this time of the year.

Wednesday

“Who was Judas?” This Wednesday’s talk allows Revd Nathan to give a whole list of people who may have stitched him up over the last 10 years.

Thursday

“A Christian Passover”. Why not join us at 8pm in Lt Tremlett Church Hall to fail totally in our attempt to appropriate another religion’s tradition and say why Christianity is better?

Friday

Good Friday Workshop: The children of the benefice mark the most solemn day of the Christian calendar in a frenzy of sugar rush and cheap sticker books.

Saturday

First Communion of Easter: 11pm, Great Tremlett. With the Lighting of the Easter Fire. If the Beast from the East strikes, it may take hours to light what with the snow, so please bring coffee.

Sunday

6am : Sunrise service, Woodby. Those who were keen enough to stay up for the service at Gt Tremlett will probably be hallucinating by now. Especially those who have spent the intervening 6 hours partying. Why not cheer on Revd Nathan as he tries to manage on 12 hours’ sleep in the last fortnight?

Followed by the Benefice Easter Breakfast. Please bring bacon.

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Trim Valley Notices w/c 18 March

Please note that, due to woodworm, the pulpit is out of action in Little Tremlett Church. It’s not been used since 2013 as the vicar thinks he’s trendy. But just in case.

Monday

Woodby Chapel Youth Group dominoes evening. Please note we have now raised the upper age limit to 90. Which still excludes Old Pete, but you’ve got to have a rule.

Tuesday

Trim Valley Dog Club meets 8pm at Great Tremlett Church Hall. Please note that we have renamed the club after we had that confusion with four old blokes in the layby on London Road. The vicar wasn’t amused. Although the Major discovered a new hobby.

Wednesday

Tremlett Post Office Preservation Group. The Post Office closed in 1996 but we don’t see why we should give up now.  The meeting is at The Old Post Office, 3pm.

Thursday

Please note the first witch-ducking of the year has been postponed due to the bad weather. Doris is apparently “relieved”.

Friday

Woodby Wine Society meets 8pm at the Reading Room. Ambulances will be on standby from 9.30, which is the time the fight normally breaks out.

Saturday

Phil Davis’s presentation “The Church and Social Media – Mission in a Digital Age” has been cancelled. He left the acetates in the window, and the slides have warped in the sun as a result. We’ll rearrange the event when he has written some new ones.

Sunday

Combined benefice service at Gt Tremlett, 10am. The procession starts from Little Tremlett at 9.30am. Myrtle the Donkey is expecting this year. So instead the part of the donkey will be played by a llama, and the foal this year will be Mrs Spottie’s dalmation, Gervais.

Trim Valley Notices w/c 11 March

Mothering Sunday

Thanks to the children from Great Tremlett school who have provided the daffodils for all the mothers, women, and others identifying as being appropriate receivers of daffodils.

Monday

The Mothers’ Union Lent Film Course continues with “50 Shades Darker”.  Dolores says it’s got whips in it, so it’s probably appropriate to this penitential season.

Tuesday

Dr Ireland’s prayer group meets 8pm to pray for the new minister. Tonight’s theme will be “Who can be the new Elijah to today’s Ahab?”

Wednesday

Grilsby-on-the_Hill Rhubarb Festival 7.30pm. The Vicar will be Blessing the  Rhubarb in the special Rhubarb service. If you want to make a joke about the contents of the sermon, forget it. We did them last year.

Thursday

The Official Church Profile group meets to agree a benefice profile that has not been written by the vicar. 7pm, Woodby Chapel.

Friday

“Safari Supper” starts 7pm at Gt Tremlett Chuch Hall for cocktails. Thanks to all those who’ve offered to host a course. But for clarification after last year. “Safari” refers to wandering from house to house. The zebra and giraffe steaks last year were delicious but some felt in bad taste. And the Safari Park is still missing a pygmy hippo. Please check your freezers.

Saturday

“Cheesy Church”. It’s like Church. But with cheese. 8pm, Woodby Reading Room. Please bring some cheese.

Additional Notice

It has come to our notice that somebody has been stealing daffodils from the churchyard at Great Tremlett. If you have any information, or have seen anything suspicious, please let the Wardens or Constable Angela know.


procession OHP

Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” The book to make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.

Trim Valley Notices : w/c 4 March

Sunday

If you have any concerns or need to talk to someone after watching “Call the Midwife”, please don’t call the vicar. He’ll be too busy crying.

Monday

Lent Group: 2pm. Grilsby Church Hall.  Please do not bring snacks, biscuits, chocolates etc to share this week. Last time, six people’s Lent resolutions were broken in 15 minutes. And Major Dumpling went on a Jaffa Cake Frenzy. We don’t want to see that again.

Tuesday

The Big Debate: “Science Versus God”. Come to Great Tremlett Church Hall at 8pm to see somebody who doesn’t understand science argue with somebody who doesn’t understand theology. While neither have the philosophy skills to make any common ground. Bring rotten tomatoes and cheer for your favourite team.

Wednesday

Beating the Bounds (postponed last week due to snow) postponed due to flooding. What will we postpone it for next week? Plague of frogs? Rivers of blood? Who knows.

Thursday

Dr Ireland’s prayer group for the new Vicar has a new title: “After Amon, Josiah”. 2pm at “Dunphlebbin'”

Friday

Melissa Sparrow will be reading from her latest collection, “Dead by Nightfall”. Counselling available. 7.30 pm, Grilsby Reading Room.

Saturday

Some kind of bric a brac stall. Somewhere. We don’t really know where. There’s five churches so just wander round Satudray morning.

Letters to the Church Magazine : March

Dear Everyone

The rules of the Church of England are clear. When an incumbent minister has left, the parish or parishes that are left vacant start the process of creating their “Parish or Benefice Profile.” This document gives a truthful view of the strengths and weaknesses of the parish, the particular skills that a new minister will require, and the nature of the area.

This is of course the work of the laity of the benefice, and not of the outgoing minister.

I thought it was appropriate to help, however. I have therefore written a complete profile for the Benefice, and set out what I think you need for the future.

In the light of the respect and love that I have felt throughout my time in the Trim Valley, I am sure you will take this offer in the spirit it is made.

Yours helpfully

Revd Nathan, The Rectory, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

When does the vicar leave? My recycling bucket has a hole and I was thinking I could steal the one from the vicarage.

Yours etc,

Fennel Bailey, The Old Orchard House.


Dear Sir

Once the vicar has left can we please push the altar back up against the wall so the new one has to preside from the North End? I know we all voted in favour of the change but we didn’t really mean it.

Yours etc

Philemon Doyle, Chestnut Lane, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I’ve checked the cupboard where we keep the Books of Common Prayer. And they’re in the same dog-eared condition as when we voted to start using Common Worship.

Just as soon as himself has gone, we can stick the Common Worship in the crypt where we put the ASBs in 1988, and get back to business.

Yours etc

Charmander McBrayne, Woodby Lane, Grilsby


Dear Sir

I make it 61 days on the 1st March. Is that what everyone else reckons?

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

It has always been the tradition, when a new vicar starts, to create a special “Parson’s Ale”. This potent beverage, brewed to a strength of 15.7% ABV, is flavoured with thyme, coriander and dandelion – a brew fit for a king indeed. We then drink it at the parson’s leaving service. I remember when old Parson Benson died after 40 years in the pulpit, nobody in the parish could see for a month!

However I regret to say that Nathan’s been here a bit longer than I expected. And I’ve taken the odd comforting nip to get me through his sermons. So looks like this time it’s going to be Carlsberg.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

After 2 months of eating daily Creme Eggs, I have put on 3 stones in weight. Lent is hard.

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

This year’s Spring Equinox meeting of the Mothers’ Union will be in Old Pasture at sunrise. This being the last year when Revd Nathan will be trying to prevent our celebrations, we will be building a Wicker Man in the hope of scaring him away.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I know it’s bad form to talk about what the new incumbent, whoever he or he may be, will be like. But can we ensure he’s better than the current one?

Yours etc

Gabrielle Fitch Thompson, the Old Market House, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

Two months since Christmas and I’m afraid, after that beautiful Nativity Play, I still haven’t made it back to Church for a regular service.

I’m definitely going to make the effort for Easter Sunday. Or perhaps for Revd Nathan’s farewell service.

Yours etc

Jasmine Jones, “Chitterings”, Wheezy Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Your hair is like meadow grass on the tide
And the raindrops on my window
And the ice in my drink
Baby all I can think of is Alice

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

Fantastic weather for one of my famous “vicar” jokes.

Q: What’s black and white, black and white and green?

A: The vicar giving a snowman a lift in his Toyota Prius.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby


Dear Sir

A poem inspired by the convergence of Lent and this brutal, yet beautiful, weather.

“The Snowy Trim”

Soft fall the flakes upon the Trim
The crystal waters run beneath
And all is gray and white.

The Robin brings a dart of fire
To this cold, serene gray morningtide.
And Lent’s dark ash is cast over all

The sky, the clinging elm leaves
And I remember, as I gaze into the depths
That I am dust.

Death death death
death death death
death death death.
Death.

Yours watching the embers die

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


procession OHP

It is too late to buy ” Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews” in time for Christmas now. Unless you are a time traveller. But it would make a lovely Easter present, wouldn’t it? Or maybe you have some book or Amazon vouchers as Christmas presents. If you do, then this will make you laugh, think or possibly gnaw the back of the pew in front. Written by the creator of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. With cartoons by Dave Walker.