Trim Valley Notice Sheet: w/c 27 May

Sunday (Trinity Sunday)

The Archdeacon has banned Doreen’s sermon on the grounds of heresy. If anyone sees her attempting to take out a camping stove and frying pan for her “scrambled eggs” illustration they are to impound the Calor gas bottle and call the Bomb Squad.

Monday

Churches Together in the Trim Valley. 8pm St Leonard’s Chapel. All the Methodists have died out, and the one remaining English Catholic goes to church in Banbury. And the Polish Catholics aren’t interested. Still, 8pm. It’s traditional so it’s got to happen.

Tuesday

It’s “Faculty Reversal” day at Grilsby from 10am. Any retired glaziers welcome as we need to prise out that ghastly modern stained glass and chuck it in the quarry. Can everybody who offered a pew during the re-ordering please bring it back. And if anyone needs a nave altar please come and get it.

Wednesday

Mothers’ Union, 8pm. Now the Archdeacon has banned the Pagan rituals it looks like we’ll be back to making jam.

Thursday

In honour of St Mechtildis’s day, it’s Lager Day in Little Tremlett. Pints £2 all day at the “Hanged Man”. Help us to celebrate this German nun in a haze of Pilsner!

Friday

Church Magazine is published. Please note that, in recognition of the white-hot world of technology, we’ll be changing the font.

Saturday

Summer Fayre at Great Tremlett. Unusually we are in need of donations of clothes. Clean, serviceable clothes and jars of jam gratefully accepted. No more mankinis from members of the Choir please. We didn’t need to know what the tenors were wearing under their robes.

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Trim Valley Notice Sheet w/c 20 May

Sunday
Today we celebrate Pentecost. The day when we remember the sovereign power of God’s Spirit, bringing life to the Church.

After the service at Woodby today, there is an Extraordinary Meeting of the PCC to agree what colour to paint the Church Hall door.

We regret there are no bell-ringers at Grilsby. They have had a disagreement with the flower arrangers.

The version of “The Lord’s My Shepherd” we will sing at Little Tremlett will be the traditional one. The Stuart Townend version has been cancelled as part of the peace treaty brokered between the choir and Mr Starey, the Organist.

Monday

Whit Dinner at Woodby. Please note that after representations from the vegetarians, as well as roast lamb, roast chicken will be available.

Tuesday

Grilsby Quiche -Eaters meet in the Reading Room. Please bring a quiche.

Wednesday

The Life Art group need new models – can you help? It’s not that we aren’t grateful to Major Dumpling but he always insists on having the curtains open. And the neighbours are starting to complain. If you’re out and about at 8pm, avoid Gt Tremlett Church Hall.

Thursday

Dog Fighting. Green Spinney, 7pm. If anyone asks you haven’t heard anything.

Friday

Great Tremlett Sunday Club are wanting to update their equipment. Do you have an unused flannelgraph about the place? 

Saturday

Champions’ League Final. The “Hanged Man”. We don’t actually have BT Sport but we can watch all the excitement unfold on Twitter.

Trinity Sunday

Even though the Vicar and Curate have left, we still have two preachers in the valley and they’re both looking forward to this one! If you hear Doreen, the Reader you’ll get her usual lukewarm Unitarianism. Whereas Canon Westcliff is really looking forward to launching three new ways of understanding God, all of which are basically Modalist maybe toppling over, in the case of the “pancake” analogy, into Arianism. The flour simply isn’t “more important than the eggs because it’s the essence of the pancake. That’s not even good cookery.

Trim Valley Notices w/c 13 May

Apologies for Major Dumpling’s somewhat “wired” behaviour at the bingo last night. We knew he was keen on celebrating the Feast of St Pancras.  But we thought it was railway lines he was showing such a keen interest in.

Sunday

Doreen’s preaching Sermon #3 today. So bring an umbrella if you’re at Great Tremlett.

Monday

Since combined benefice meetings in any church are only ever attended by members of that church, the Benefice Profile Planning Team will meet in the Old Signal Box in 5 Parish Wood. Since this is allegedly haunted by “Flash Ned”, who legend has it was clubbed to death after exposing himself to the Mothers’ Union Committee, we will ensure the meeting ends strictly at sun set.

Tuesday

Are you a keen handy man / woman or a builder with a bit of spare time?

Then why not get down to the Vicarage at 8am? We’re thinking with a bit of work we could put an extension on one side and sell it off as a semi-detached. The diocese need never know.

Wednesday

Since Lucy, the landlady at the “Silent Woman” has told us she is selling up, we are keen to ensure that no buildings are put on the site by the brewery. Or at least not unless we benefit from it. So the “Silent Woman Action Team” (SWAT) will be meeting in the Silent Woman at 8pm to discuss how we can take the place over and run it into the ground. I mean, as a community facility.

Thursday

Archdeacon’s Visitation. The Archdeacon will meet the Churchwardens at each of the churches in the parish. Please pray for the Churchwardens. And pray even more for the Archdeacon.

Friday

Trim Valley Toad Lickers meet in the bus shelter, Grilsby-on-the-Hill 7pm until the bats invade.

Saturday

The annual Trim Valley Bog Snorkel will take place down the river Trim from Grilsby to Woodby. If wet, in Woodby Reading Room.

Sunday Pentecost 

To celebrate the pouring out of God’s transforming spirit, bringing new life to the Church, we will be holding the Grand Pentecost Jumble Sale in Gt Tremlett Church Hall. 10 am until the old ties run out.

Trim Valley Church Notices w/c 6 April

Sunday

3pm – Beating the Bounds  – We have timed each parish’s Beating of the Bounds so there is no danger of the different groups meeting up. We can’t have the blood feuds that arose after Great and Little Tremlett encountered each other last year. The drive-by flossings lasted for weeks.

Meanwhile for reasons of infirmity Woodby Chapel will be viewing a viftual Beating of the Bounds – a recording of the 1937 event, which many of them remember. This will also stop them realising work has started on the giant waste effluent at the appropriately named “Sticky Bottom”.

Monday

Romilly Randers has been organising social events in the Trim Valley for 40 years. Nobody has ever come along. That’s why today she’s inviting everybody to “Free Gin Evening”. No spiritual aspects, no Bible studies. No cost. Just come to Gt Tremlett Church Hall and drink free gin. Surely this one is going to work?

Tuesday

Woodby Cabbage Festival. Join the Bishop of Banbury as he blesses the Holy Cabbage, in a tradition that goes right back to last year when we realised from Rhubarb blessings and Asparagus blessings that there’s publicity and probably money in this kind of thing.

Wednesday

A special Pasta Night at Grilsby 8pm. £5. If you won’t eat foreign muck, there’s pizza instead.

Thursday

Bible Study, Dr Ireland’s house Dunphlebbin’. This month we are looking at the Book of Revelation. So please ensure you bring along all your half-baked theories and doctrines you acquired by reading a novel series. If we’re lucky we may even get to read the Bible. 

We’ll also be doing the very popular “Which of the Seven Churches are We?” quiz. Spoiler: Laodicea. Everyone always is.

 Friday

Pets church.

Please just drop your pets off at Great Tremlett at 10am. Don’t bother staying. We find it’s the humans that cause the problem.

Saturday

Forest Church in Tremlett Forest. We will be thinking about God’s love revealed in creation, and our duty to be stewards. Please bring some chipboard or an old tyre for the fire.

Prayer Chain

For reasons we can’t remember the last vicar stopped us publishing the prayer list in the notice sheet. But he’s gone now.

Please pray for Syndey Chitterling, who is tormented by his piles. For Janine Jimpson, whose eczema is being brought on terrible by worrying people will find out her affair. And for Drenzel Jones, who’s going to have his knees broken on Wednesday unless he stops sniffing around Sophie Washington.