August 2014

Dear Sir

It was a shock to meet Fr Joanne, the new curate, last Sunday. He is clearly a woman.

How did this happen? Mark my words, once we start allowing women to be curates, they will start demanding to be bishops – or even Prime Minister. Trust me, we are on a slippery slope.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

Jeb has been gravedigger in the benefice for 25 years now.

Surely it’s time somebody bought him a spade?

He terrifies passers-by, climbing out of graves like that with all the dirt beneath his nails.

Yours etc

Chalfont Presley, Sheep St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear  Sir

I was in Gt Tremlett Shops this week, and Mrs Browne was in there. Many people don’t think she works as hard in her role as Vicar’s wife as she should. Surely, even if she works as a teacher, we should get our money’s worth. Especially during the summer holidays, when she has nothing to do. Also she has a habit of occasionally giving a hot meal to our local “gentleman of the road”, Smelly Eric, when he falls on hard times.

On this occasion, she was buying, among other things,  a tin of Heinz Tomato Soup! When the “Happy Shopper” alternative is on sale for 15p less!

As a regular giver to the offering-plate, I must insist that Mrs Browne, if she is going to steward the money that I effectively give to her in a right manner, should be more careful with the price of the  food she buys – after all, that soup could end up inside a tramp!

Yours etc

Sibelius Bunce, Cold Lane

Dear Sir

What a joy to hear the Bishop’s Confirmation Sermon once again! I had so looked forward to it, and it was as good as ever. It was good to know that it has had just the merest of updates. I suppose the anecdote about Ed “Stewpot” Stewart had aged slightly. But who would think that Dr Dre was a one-time presenter of “Crackerjack”?

Yours etc

Maureen Maurice, “The Old Bakehouse”, Old Red Lion Court, Woodby 

Dear Sir

Does anybody know what the green berries are in the church hedge? I tried a few after Mattins last week and have spent four days banging snails on a stone to get them out. This is a very inefficient method of getting a balanced diet, especially when one is trying to build a nest.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I must apologise for my Bradley’s behaviour last Sunday.

It is not for me to say that Revd Nathan’s sermon was a little dull, or even slightly over-long. But after 15 minutes, Bradley decided enough was enough. He built himself that fort out of hassocks, he tells me, “because the old people kept looking at me”, And yes, he was a little disruptive, throwing paper darts made out of notice sheets around the church.

Especially when he lit them first. I honestly didn’t realise he’d taken a tea light off the prayer stand.

There has been a lot of muttering about his behaviour, and some people are saying I should have kept him under control better. But what can I say? My attention wandered. He has an uncanny ability to sneak off unnoticed. And we’ve been married 22 years now. I really don’t know what I could have done.

Yours etc

Margorie Menicle, Church St, Gt Tremlett 

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