Writes of the Church: Notices w/c 13 August

Please note the Vicar is now on holiday for a fortnight. The Wardens have his number and will contact him if there are any major (or minor) emergencies. You can also reach him via Twitter at @nottheCofE

Sunday 13 August : Vespers in the Old Latin Rite will be lead by Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe. 6pm at Grilsby on the Hill

Monday 14th : Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Raising funds to buy some better quality coffee. 10am – noon

Tuesday 15th: “Why the Vicar is Wrong about Almost Everything” – a talk by Dr Ireland. Woodby, 8pm

Wednesday 16th: A talk on Cybersecurity, as Romilly explains why the idiot vicar shouldn’t have left her the password to the WordPress account

Thursday 17th: Melissa Sparrow – “A Life in Poetry”. Melissa will be talking about life, love and death. Mostly death. In fact, almost entirely death to be frank.

Friday 18th: Bric a Brac Sale, Little Tremlett, 10 am – 1pm.  Is there an endless source of unusable junk? Join us as we test out the theory again.

Saturday 19th: Mothers’ Union Bingo – 8pm in Gt Tremlett Church Hall. Please bring a bottle of gin.

 

 

The Grouse

Dear Sir

A special poem for this special day. I would like you to image a grouse, Gerry, and his pal, Larry, frolicking on a perfect August morning.

The moorlands vast rise up to the sky
‘gainst black-edged clouds the eagles fly
and Larry, my good friend and I,
run through the gorse.

A yellow sun will graze the burns
As, fading, it to winter turns
And dabbling ducks and happy terns
Splash in a pool.

Men’s shadows, long across the moor
The men so certain, calm and sure
Oh bugger – is that a 12-bore?
Run, Larry! Run!

Death, death death
Death, death, death
Death, death, death.

Wishing you a truly “Glorious Twelfth”

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

This Week’s Notices

Sunday 23rd – Evensong at 6pm tonight will be at Grilsby. It would be really nice if people from the other churches could turn up. As nobody from Grilsby ever does. Please don’t bother turning up for Compline as we won’t have to try and sing that hymn if you don’t and I really can’t be bothered with it.
Monday 24th – Mothers’ Union viewing of “Game of Thrones”.

Tuesday 25th – Beetle Drive. Please bring your own beetle and tiny whip.

Wednesday 26th – Carol Service Rehearsal, Gt Tremlett, 8pm

Thursday 27th – “Lord of the Dance – the Electro-Punk Symphony” – Woodby, 7.30 – midnight. Adults only.

Friday 28th – Senior Citizens Paintball 2pm, “The Slaughterhouse”, Woodby Forest Nature Reserve

Saturday 29th – Churchyard Tidy-Up at Little Tremlett!  After last year’s events can people only bring chainsaws if they are appropriately accredited and not on strong medication.

Church Notices – 16 July 2017

Tonight’s Evensong would be at Grilsby on the Hill. But really, what’s the point?

Monday 17th: Cubs 7pm Little Tremlett Church Hall. This week it’s the “Conflict Resolution Badge”.

Tuesday 18th 8pm:  Dr Ireland will be leading her Morality Task Force on a sweep of Barebottom Spinney. And when we say “sweep” – she is planning to take the yard brush with the particularly spiky bristles. So stay well away from all hanky panky, is our advice.

Wednesday 19th: Woodby Chapel Men’s Fellowship. Simon Donut will be sitting in the chapel on his own, remembering his departed friends.

Thursday 20th: 2 pm last “Tiny Tots” of the school year at Gt Tremlett Church Hall. We plan to use the summer months to remove glitter from the floor. Any offers of industrial grinding equipment will be grarefully received.

7pm: Bell Ringing practice at Little Tremlett. Toby reckons he’s worked out how we can ring the best of Daft Punk. Bring a few lagers.

Friday 21st: Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Followed by a skimmity ride to Nathaneal Brakebones’s house. Dr Ireland to provide photographic evidence.

Saturday 22nd 8am: Men’s Breakfast at Great Tremlett. Please bring an egg.

Nathan on Twitter

After the Twitter account @ourCofE went on sabbatical, I decided someone should show the grime, muck and bullets of a vicar at the coal face of the Church of England.
And who better than the minister of five well-heeled villages on the edge of the Cotswolds? If you tweet, then you can find me at @NotTheCofE.

Blessings

Revd Nathan

Church Notices: 9 July

Tonight’s Evensong will be at Woodby Chapel. It only holds 39 so arrive early to ensure you get a seat. Who am I kidding? Please please turn up. Or it’s just me and the Combined Benefice Choir. And I am scared. Revd Nathan. 

Monday 10th: Cubs 7pm Little Tremlett Church Hall. Please pray for their leaders, still recovering after the cubs slipped those tarantulas into their tents at the recent camp

Tuesday 11th 8pm:  “Get a Grip. Why transgender people should just thank God for how he made them.” Dr Ireland will be leading a demonstration against Church of England liberalism by burning the vicar in effigy on the Gt Tremlett village green

Wednesday 12th: Mother’s Union. Dorothea Plunkett talks to us on “Wife Swapping in the Cotswolds.” With slides.

Thursday 13th: 8pm at Grilsby: “30 years a Hedge Fund Manager.” Denzil Dodgie tells us how the Lord blessed him with the biggest house in Grilsby-on-the-Hill and a Jag.

7pm: Bell Ringing practice at Little Tremlett. Cutting out the unproductive part of the evening, the ringers will just meet in the pub and skip the ringing.

Friday 14th: Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Please bring a pointy stick in case of strangers.

Saturday 15th: Fete at Little and Great Tremlett, Grilsby and Woodby. Please come and buy some dog-eared rubbish that you can contribute to the fete next year.

Sunday 16th: See service rota for the hideously complex details.

Letters to the Church Magazine – June 2017

Dear Sir

Astonishing to hear that anthem on Sunday performed in six parts. Especially as there’s only five of them in the choir.

Chester should really just accept that his voice isn’t what it was.

Yours etc

Barbra Finkel, Long Meadow, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

As we look forward to Reverend Joanna completing her time with us and finding her own vicar’s post we must ask ourselves some serious questions.

In my own case that question should be, when I asked her if she were in need of some company when her husband was away on business, why did she get that court to order my exclusion from a 400 yard radius of her house?

Yours etc

Randall Nevis, Leer Cottage, Woodby

Dear Sir

When will something be done about Mr Nuttall?

Standing outside the “Hanged Man Inn” late at night shouting about sending immigrants back.

For his information, they’re “Londoners”. And while they may not talk like us, they bring money into our villages and their children mean we can keep the school open.

Yours etc

Simone de Belvoir, World’s End, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

At last week’s “Bring Your Cheese to Church” service, my neighbour brought a rather over-ripe Danish Blue. Put me right off the words to “All Things Brie and Beautiful.”

I also complained about the Stinking Bishop. But he was there to lead the Confirmation Service.

Yours etc

Bradley Hadleigh, Cheese Road, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

After a recent trip to the Continent I have realised what Great Tremlett is missing. A proper relic! Draws them by the thousands does a decent relic.

Therefore I am honoured to present St Mary’s with the Appendix of St Peter’s Mother in Law. I know some have claimed it looks rather like a sun dried tomato. But if you don’t say anything I won’t.

Norbert better get ready for all the £74.22s to roll in! 

Yours etc

Toby Tenor, The Old Gate House, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Many have asked how I got on at the Diocesan Clergy Week. And I hope nobody will be offended if I don’t tell them.

As we always say: “What happens in Swanwick, stays at Swanwick.”

Yours etc

Revd Nathan, Gt Tremlett Rectory

Dear Sir

I would like to thank all the people who have donated books to the church book stall over the last twelve months. However I think it is fair to say that we have accrued a fair number that we will never sell.  So if anyone wants any of the books below we will happily sell them for a nominal 5p, or else the rest will go into the specially-adapted “book burning stove” that we use for supplementary heating at winter Evensongs.

“50 Shades of Grey” – 86 copies
“A Song of Fire and Ice” (various) – 91 copies
Jackie Collins (various) – 154 copies
“A Brief History of Time” – 214 copies, all unread
“The God Delusion” – Seriously defaced
“Lady Chatterley’s Lover” – Well-thumbed
“The Da Vinci Code” – 23 copies, implausible
“Honest to God” – 6 copies, irrelevant 
“Lost Icons”, Rowan Williams – 95 copies, Incomprehensible

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett

 

Dear Sir

As Treasurer I often have to deal with the offerings that have been taken on Sundays-  often as much as £74.22.

As a result of dealing with such large sums I have had to pay my nephew, “Mostin”, to act as hired muscle to protect me.

Mostin however does not do this from the goodness of his heart and expects appropriate payment for his services.

He therefore includes an invoice to the sum of  £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I note that the banner is up on the side of the church advertising the “Fète”.

Shocked by this topographical inexactitude! We may have voted for Brexit but that is no excuse for rubbing the noses of our French friends in it.

Therefore late Friday night, having fortified ourselves with a couple of quarts of rhubarb and marmalade wine, my friend Mr Charkles and myself took a ladder and some duck tape along to correct things.

There was some initial confusion when we both stood on the bottom rung of the  ladder to hold it steady. And then when neither of us stood there and both toppled from the top. But eventually we reached the perfect situation – where one of us climbed while the other held it steady.

So eventually I managed to correct it. Unfortunately as I finished the adjustment, Charlie wandered off distracted by some goings on in the bushes. While he was taking photographic evidence for Dr Holland’s next “sin list”, I toppled off the ladder once more, going over the graveyard wall and landing on a passing milkfloat.

How lovely to see a milkfloat! I thought the Blair government had banned them along with foxes. 

Yours etc

Major James Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

With all the excitement over election polls I thought I would conduct my own, for who should replace the vicar when he finally obeys God’s call. And the results are as follows:

Derek Nimmo    45%

Dawn French     23%

Tom Hollander   18%

Richard Coles      17%

Lib Dems               8%

David Mitchell     7%

Giles Fraser          2%
I have written to Fr Nimmo offering him the job if he wants it, but sadly have had no response.

Yours etc

Melonesia MacMagnum, Carriage Way, Woodby Chapel End

Dear Sir

I have written a new poem for the General Election.

“THE NATION’S DILEMMA”

Doubt like gossamer blows across fair Albion
Nicola Sturgeon smiles and weighs her votes
The fishers, anxious, wonder if  they will keep their boats
When, Brexecuted, Britain on free water floats.

Anxiety sweeps this desperate orb
From East to West the people rise 
As Theresa May – gray-faced with age-old eyes
Watches Labour’s vote head for the skies.

And the beat of the world
Neath humanity’s noise 

Continues – incessant, sempiternal, hypnotic.

Covfefe
Covfefe
Covfefe
Covfefe
Covfefe
Stuff the climate!

Melissa Sparrow  (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

What has happened to the banner for the Church Fête?

What on earth is a Church Fate? Apart from decline and eventual closure, obviously.

Yours etc

Xavier de Quincy Somerville-Shepard, Sheep Close, Lt Tremlett