Ascension Day

Please note we have the normal pattern of daily services today.

In related news can someone please get the Major off Little Tremlett church roof? He has once again forgotten that we don’t go up there any more. And he’s clinging onto a gurgoyle, screaming.

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Letter to the Church Magazine – The Locksmith

Dear Sir

Since the vicar’s leaving soon I thought it would be best to change the locks on the vicarage. Look what happened when Canon Vyvyan retired. He took a copy of the keys and spent the entire interregnum living rent-free. We wondered why the diocesan maintenance team kept disappearing when they went round. Though we never did find them.

Unfortunately the locksmith is going to be in America in May. I therefore took the opportunity of getting the locks changed yesterday. Conveniently, the vicar is away at the moment so we didn’t inconvenience him.

Yours etc

Katja Killigrew, Hawthorn Lane, GT Tremlett

Notices w/c 22 October

Sunday

Note that due to “Brian”, Grilsby Church Hall is out of action.

Not Storm Brian. Brian Boscastle. Angela has thrown him out again and he’s holed up with 15 cold pizzas and a few bottles of “Speckled Hen”. Banburyshire Police will sort it out just as soon as they’ve got the dog back.

Monday

Can you tell the difference between a gargoyle and a grotesque?

Well, nobody else can. Stop being so smug and get down to St Mary’s Gt Tremlett, where we’re cleaning up the gargoyles

Or possibly the grotesques.

Tuesday

Sanatogen Tasting Society – 7pm, St Mary’s Retirement Home.

Wednesday

Lt Tremlett Church Book Stall. It’s so long since we sold a book, some are verifiable antiques. Please come and buy one.

We’re so lonely.

Thursday

Square Dance at Gt Tremlett Church Hall.

Rival Triangular Dance at the URC. The Ecumenical Movement has truly failed.

Friday

Do you believe in Equal Marriage in the Church of England?

Then don’t mention the fact to Dr Ireland. She’ll be livid

Saturday

Some kind of Autumn Fayre somewhere. It always is, let’s face it. Just drive around the villages. I can’t be bothered to check it. Maybe one of the churches has it on their Facebook page? Nah – only joking.

Notices w/c 8 October

Sunday

This afternoon’s Pet Service to include Imposition of Huskies

Monday

Cake sale 2pm at Grilsby. Please no more cakes made with brandy. Major Dumpling’s cake still exploded last week.

Tuesday

“Trim Valley Trotters” walk from the car park to the bar of the Hanged Man. Sure, it’s lacking in ambition. But we find this is the most popular route at this time of year.

Wednesday

Tremlett Camera Club’s evening of nude photography cancelled. They think being nude to take photos is a bit odd.

Thursday

“Friends of Woodby Chapel” meeting cancelled. Turns out it hasn’t got any.

Friday

Table Top Sale, 2pm Grilsby-on-the-Hill Church Hall. Do you need a new table top? This is just the place!

Saturday

7pm – In aid of St Mary’s, Great Tremlett – a Cheese and Whine Evening. Why not loosen your inhibitions and moan about the Vicar?

Trim Valley Church Notices w/c 24 September

Sunday 24

The service at Woody will be approximately an hour late in starting while we dig the church out. We don’t know who thought a lorry load of pumpkins was an appropriate Harvest gift. But dumping them outside the church door wasn’t the brightest idea.

Monday

Major James Dumpling invites you to his “Home Made Wine Tasting.” We agreed to advertise it but don’t really recommend you to go. Drop into “Rodney’s Rest” any time between 8am and midnight. The Parsnip and Peapod is hideous.

Tuesday

We’re pleased to say that Melissa has been released due to lack of evidence. Her poetry reading for Autumn, “Sex, Death and Fallen Leaves” will now be today at 8pm, in Grilsby Hall. Parental Advisory 16+ only.

Wednesday

Autumn Tidy-Up at Woodby. The wolves have reproduced rapidly due to the mild Spring. So please wear gloves.

Thursday

Well-dressing at Gt Tremlett, 12 noon. Please bring a pointy stick to ward off Protestants.

Friday

Frida’s Fish Supper at 4 Pagan Place, Woody Chapel. Proceeds to the Trim Valley Inter-Faith Group : encouraging dialogue between Wodenists and Christians since that awful incident with King Peafa of Mercia.

Saturday

Would you like to spend two hours in peaceful reflective silence? We need volunteers to run the Little Tremlett Book Stall.

Writes of the Church: Notices w/c 13 August

Please note the Vicar is now on holiday for a fortnight. The Wardens have his number and will contact him if there are any major (or minor) emergencies. You can also reach him via Twitter at @nottheCofE

Sunday 13 August : Vespers in the Old Latin Rite will be lead by Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe. 6pm at Grilsby on the Hill

Monday 14th : Coffee morning at Great Tremlett. Raising funds to buy some better quality coffee. 10am – noon

Tuesday 15th: “Why the Vicar is Wrong about Almost Everything” – a talk by Dr Ireland. Woodby, 8pm

Wednesday 16th: A talk on Cybersecurity, as Romilly explains why the idiot vicar shouldn’t have left her the password to the WordPress account

Thursday 17th: Melissa Sparrow – “A Life in Poetry”. Melissa will be talking about life, love and death. Mostly death. In fact, almost entirely death to be frank.

Friday 18th: Bric a Brac Sale, Little Tremlett, 10 am – 1pm.  Is there an endless source of unusable junk? Join us as we test out the theory again.

Saturday 19th: Mothers’ Union Bingo – 8pm in Gt Tremlett Church Hall. Please bring a bottle of gin.