Letters to the Church Magazine : January

Dear Sir

It has been a bitter harvest as we have listened to Canon Vyvyan’s sermon illustration for the thousandth time, or Doreen the Reader’s latest reflection on the thoughts of Pelagius. And we have prayed with heart and soul for a new vicar to deliver us.

After many months of desperation it is good news to hear, at this time of renewal, that the new man has been appointed. Just a shame he didn’t make it before Chrismas. If I have to hear Fr Vyvyan’s joke about the camel in his Nativity Service sermon once more, I shall grind a tooth. And it will not be one of mine.

So we look forward to welcoming Fr Rebecca to the benefice in the new year. I am sure he will fit in well.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett

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Dear Sir

We all love a traditional Christmas. But is there any chance we could get Herod out of the story next year? He really brought the nativity down.

Yours etc

Mary Mandible, Crooked Lane, Gt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

In the vacancy, I have been ensuring that the vicarage has been kept warm and well-maintained. So to this end I’ve had a crack team of Lithuanian plumbers and builders living in there, subsidising their rent by doing the place up a bit.

The new bathroom is excellent, and the repointing was beautifully done. So two requests: Does anyone have the space for the “lads” to move out to? They’re happy to share rooms and really useful if you need a loft extension. And when they build the wall between the vicarage and the new guest block they built in the grounds,can we all pretend it’s been there for years? It’s doing a thriving business on Air BnB and we need the money for the Parish Share. We ain’t all St Helen’s Bishopsgate. Even if Dr Ireland wishes we were.

Yours etc

Sibelius Bunce, Cold Lane, Great Tremlett

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Dear Sir

I note that when Revd Rebecca moves into the vicarage, she will be bringing her friend Rachel with her. I presume to keep her company and help her settle in. I hope we can ensure we make Revd Rebecca so welcome that Rachel will not be needed for long. A pretty young woman like her doesn’t need additional company when I’m sure there is a suitable eligible young man in the village. Or there would be if they hadn’t all moved to Bletchley to find more affordable housing.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett

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Dear Sir

What a delight to look forward to welcoming Revd Rebecca to our little enclave of sanity in the modern world. I shall have to shorten my sermon series, “Brexit or Bust”, to ensure it is complete before Easter. So my sermons, “Do let’s be beastly to the Germans” and “the Macabbean Rebellion: lessons in the long-term benefits of breaking free from a regional superpower” will be condensed into one super-sermon, “We may be eating our own trousers within six months but at least we’ll be able to re-nationalise the coal mines when we want to”.
During what I assume will be a short stay with us, I am sure that Revd Rebecca will be only too happy to let me assist with taking funerals and baptisms. So if you want a service conducting properly, you will still know where to come.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby

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Dear Sir

Noting that my replacement has been announced I have taken the liberty of letting her know all about you. But she’s still going. I suppose that sort of determination is what strengthened the martyrs.

Happy New Year. Glad you’re not here. The Hula Hoops are still lovely.

Yours etc

Revd Nathan, formerly of Tremlett Vicarage, Great Tremlett

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Dear Sir

People are asking why I, as a traditionalist patron, have appointed a young (for the church) woman as the next vicar. Am I going soft, they ask? Have I decided to “move with the times”?

No. It’s just the new Bishop of Banburyshire has uncovered the details of my – ahem – alternative family in Swanage. And I don’t want the news getting out of the valley.

Yours etc

Sir Richmond Cholmondley-Cholmonley (Bart), Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.

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Dear Sir

The “Hanged Man” Christmas Carols evening was an amazing thing. We raised more than two thousand pounds for our local charity, the Trim Valley Donkey Sanctuary. And many people who have never been into any of our churches joined in singing the ancient carols.

But where did Dolores get the words from? “Good Christians, All, Rejoice”?

Spoiled the hymn for me. And the evening. And the whole of Christmas. And, I regret to say, probably every Christmas for the rest of my life.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

It was this Christmas that really made me realise how much I have been missing Reverend Nathan. A great man. A truly meaningful preacher. And, I have to admit, the father of the child I will be bearing this month.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby

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Dear Sir

I see that the painting of the Last Supper which my dear husband loved so much has disappeared from the vestry.

When he passed out over Christmas, I gave it to the church. But now he’s sobered up, please can he have it back?

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

Cadbuey’s Creme Eggs at 70% off and it’s probably still Advent or something. Disgraceful!

I am still on the pallet of advent calendar liqueurs I purchasdd from Mrs Patel on 2 December. If any one wants me, I am in the crypt pretending to be the Ghost of Christmas Last Week.

Bon Joué!

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

Thanks to Sheridan for organising the Grown Up Nativity. Though I’m sure I deserved a better role than the back half of the donkey. Whatever the rest of the PCC said when I complained.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

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Dear Sir

Know what I hate about the Nativity service? Camels!

They give me the hump.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

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Dear Sir

They said there’d be snow at Christmas. They said there’d be peace on earth.

Instead we got Brexit and Trump.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

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Dear Sir

Given that we have a new, young, female, unmarried vicar, I can see I will need to keep a close eye on the goings on in the vicarage.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett

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Dear Sir

A poem for the departure of the year…

The Death of the Year

I gaze, on its death, at the year.
Which brought mostly sadness and fear.
And I wonder, as the new year draws its first breath
what shall it bring us?
Probably death.

Death death death
Death death death

A Happy New Year to you all. May you all be blessed

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill