Letters to the Church Magazine: August 2017

Dear Sir

I’d like to thank everybody for their concern, after the news from the BBC, that maybe I don’t get paid as much as Nathan.

This is true, but that is because I am a curate, not because I am a woman. Once I have my own benefice, I will be paid the same as him. And then once I am archbishop, plenty more – and some killer outfits.

Yours etc

Revd Joanna, The Old School House, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

There have been some complaints about the subject matter of the Holiday Club this year already – and it’s barely started!

Many people have complained about the theme: “Nehemiah Rap”. Well, the Holiday Club has been running in the Trim Valley since Fr Jesmond’s time. And all the obvious themes have been done – Noah, Jonah, Moses, Superheroes, Olympics.

So who better to have a week studying than that great hero of the faith, Nehemiah? Especially in these days when “Build a Wall” is such a popular motto!

There have been a few complaints about the bad language, I know. But this is rap, and I felt we should stay true to the form. And if you don’t like it, you can **** my ***, ****** *******.†

Yours etc

Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett

† Editor’s note: I felt it best to censor Mr de Sandeman’s more colourful comments. Especially as Romilly, who transcribes the letters onto computer for me, passed out upon reading them.

Dear Sir

As the vicar looks forward to a well earned break for a couple of weeks, can I encourage the more Biblically-minded of our parishioners to join us for our fortnight-long series of daily prayer meetings.

We will be praying for Revd Nathan to receive the gifts of judgement, holiness, preaching and teaching. Or, failing that, for us to receive the gift of a better vicar.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett

Dear Sir

Once again I look forward to stepping in for Revd Nathan as he takes a couple of weeks off.

Thanks to all those who’ve assisted me in stretching my pension further, by organising weddings or baptisms for these couple of weeks.

I am aware that it is more difficult to plan funerals, but if anyone should be planning a “hit” I’m free on Tuesday 22nd.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby

Dear Sir

What a joy to see such a traditional wedding at St Mary’s last Saturday.

Young Maisie looked so blooming. And her betrothed, Mason, looked so handsome as he was followed up the aisle by the bride’s brothers with their shotguns.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett

Dear Sir

I went to the Ladies’ Bright Hour last Wednesday.
It wasn’t.

Yours etc

Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.

Dear Sir

This month’s church magazine comes out on Lammas Day. In years gone by, the people of the Trim Valley would sacrifice a vicar to give thanks for the barley harvest.

Sadly in modern times the supply of vicars has dried up. So instead we’ll be burning Nathan in effigy at 9pm, in Barebottom Spinney.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I would like to thank all those who attended our annual Cheese Party in aid of church funds.

I am afraid I accidentally placed the order in kilograms rather than ounces. So there was an awful lot of cheese to go round! Especially since, in keeping with Woodby tradition, nobody can go home until all the cheese is eaten.

I am pleased to hear that Henrietta is out of hospital now. But I may never be able to hear the word “cheddar” without breaking out into a cheese sweat, for as long as I live.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby

Dear Sir

The vicar’s sermon on the wheat and the weeds was brilliant last week – one of his best.

Not as good as any of old Father Jesmond’s, of course. But times change. They used to select clergy based on their intellect, vision and ability to engage with people.

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

When one is retired, time can hang heavy on one’s hands.

Which is why I have spent the last five years experimenting with breeding a particularly potent variety of catnip. I find that my own three cats do not get as much of a hit from the regular stuff as when they were younger, and I was keen to ensure they get some enjoyment on these long summer days.

The latest batch is, I think I can say, superb. However I had not expected it to be able to bring on such psychotic episodes. So I can only apologise for what “Mountbatten”, “Winston” and “Adolf” did to that Pyreneean Mountain Dog at the Pet Service. I am told that “Rocky” is recovering now, but if it helps I could send him round some of my new catnip?

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

In my never ceasing search for ways to save money, I have never resorted to direct action. Until now.

I was shocked by the sight of all the lights in Grilsby Church, blazing out on a Sunday morning when there was perfectly good sunshine. I therefore took the simple action of shooting all the bulbs out with my air pistol.

As a result of this I estimate we saved approximately £1.50 over the course of that Sunday. However I have had to replace all the bulbs since the weather turned cloudy the following week. I therefore enclose an invoice to the value of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I am really quite stunned by Marais de Sandeman’s interpretation of the story of Nehemiah, seen through the lens of 21st Century American Imperialism and the breakdown of the postwar neoliberal consensus.

But I would have to question the use of the song “Another Brick in the Wall” as the theme tune.

Surely Pink Floyd’s 1979 masterpiece is about a broken man, hiding himself from his true feelings and trying to shut others out.

Which I suppose is true of modern America. But Nehemiah’s building of Jerusalem’s big, beautiful walls, and the restoration of Temple worship, was a great thing – a rediscovery of Jewish destiny and identity.

Can I suggest Michael Jackson’s “Off the Wall” as a superior tune?

When the world is on your shoulder
Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down
If you can’t hang with the feelin’
Then there ain’t no room for you this part of town
‘Cause we’re the party people night and day
Livin’ crazy that’s the only way

Now that’s the Nehemiah I believe in!

Yours etc

Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill

Dear Sir

Bring your daughter, bring your daughter to the slaughter
Let her go, let her go, let her go

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

I have just had a two hour meeting with Dr Ireland to list all of the wrongdoers in the village, ready for our next #TremlettVice Twitterstorm.

However it has just occurred to me that, having spent two hours unaccompanied in the presence of Dr Ireland, we have ourselves just done something that might be regarded as suspect.

What do you advise?

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

Apologies for the late cancellation of the Treasure Hunt.

Grilsby Mothers Union say that the chosen date clashed with their dogging night.

I had no idea that they had outings to the greyhounds.

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

The fields are ripe unto harvest, and the countryside is covered with fields of gold!


A lonely combine mows the leys
Where once, in far-gone golden days
The village-folk to fields would roam
To bring the precious harvest home.

Young men with scythes, young girls with sacks
The strong men carry on their backs
The sheaves unto the threshing floor
They won’t be doing that no more.

The maidens fair; the sunburnt swains
No more they wander down our lanes
Young mothers, children at their breast
They’ve entered in eternal rest.

And Farmer Laidlow, in your cab
You won’t escape this journey drab.
Safe locked away in your tractor bright
You’ll still have to face eternal night.

Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.
Death, death, death.

Wishing you the blessings of the harvest

Yours etc

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


One thought on “Letters to the Church Magazine: August 2017

  1. Pingback: Law and religion round-up – 27th August | Law & Religion UK

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