Astonishing to hear that anthem on Sunday performed in six parts. Especially as there’s only five of them in the choir.
Chester should really just accept that his voice isn’t what it was.
Barbra Finkel, Long Meadow, Gt Tremlett
As we look forward to Reverend Joanna completing her time with us and finding her own vicar’s post we must ask ourselves some serious questions.
In my own case that question should be, when I asked her if she were in need of some company when her husband was away on business, why did she get that court to order my exclusion from a 400 yard radius of her house?
Randall Nevis, Leer Cottage, Woodby
When will something be done about Mr Nuttall?
Standing outside the “Hanged Man Inn” late at night shouting about sending immigrants back.
For his information, they’re “Londoners”. And while they may not talk like us, they bring money into our villages and their children mean we can keep the school open.
Simone de Belvoir, World’s End, Lt Tremlett
At last week’s “Bring Your Cheese to Church” service, my neighbour brought a rather over-ripe Danish Blue. Put me right off the words to “All Things Brie and Beautiful.”
I also complained about the Stinking Bishop. But he was there to lead the Confirmation Service.
Bradley Hadleigh, Cheese Road, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
After a recent trip to the Continent I have realised what Great Tremlett is missing. A proper relic! Draws them by the thousands does a decent relic.
Therefore I am honoured to present St Mary’s with the Appendix of St Peter’s Mother in Law. I know some have claimed it looks rather like a sun dried tomato. But if you don’t say anything I won’t.
Norbert better get ready for all the £74.22s to roll in!
Toby Tenor, The Old Gate House, Gt Tremlett
Many have asked how I got on at the Diocesan Clergy Week. And I hope nobody will be offended if I don’t tell them.
As we always say: “What happens in Swanwick, stays at Swanwick.”
Revd Nathan, Gt Tremlett Rectory
I would like to thank all the people who have donated books to the church book stall over the last twelve months. However I think it is fair to say that we have accrued a fair number that we will never sell. So if anyone wants any of the books below we will happily sell them for a nominal 5p, or else the rest will go into the specially-adapted “book burning stove” that we use for supplementary heating at winter Evensongs.
“50 Shades of Grey” – 86 copies
“A Song of Fire and Ice” (various) – 91 copies
Jackie Collins (various) – 154 copies
“A Brief History of Time” – 214 copies, all unread
“The God Delusion” – Seriously defaced
“Lady Chatterley’s Lover” – Well-thumbed
“The Da Vinci Code” – 23 copies, implausible
“Honest to God” – 6 copies, irrelevant
“Lost Icons”, Rowan Williams – 95 copies, Incomprehensible
Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett
As Treasurer I often have to deal with the offerings that have been taken on Sundays- often as much as £74.22.
As a result of dealing with such large sums I have had to pay my nephew, “Mostin”, to act as hired muscle to protect me.
Mostin however does not do this from the goodness of his heart and expects appropriate payment for his services.
He therefore includes an invoice to the sum of £74.22.
Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
I note that the banner is up on the side of the church advertising the “Fète”.
Shocked by this topographical inexactitude! We may have voted for Brexit but that is no excuse for rubbing the noses of our French friends in it.
Therefore late Friday night, having fortified ourselves with a couple of quarts of rhubarb and marmalade wine, my friend Mr Charkles and myself took a ladder and some duck tape along to correct things.
There was some initial confusion when we both stood on the bottom rung of the ladder to hold it steady. And then when neither of us stood there and both toppled from the top. But eventually we reached the perfect situation – where one of us climbed while the other held it steady.
So eventually I managed to correct it. Unfortunately as I finished the adjustment, Charlie wandered off distracted by some goings on in the bushes. While he was taking photographic evidence for Dr Holland’s next “sin list”, I toppled off the ladder once more, going over the graveyard wall and landing on a passing milkfloat.
How lovely to see a milkfloat! I thought the Blair government had banned them along with foxes.
Major James Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett
With all the excitement over election polls I thought I would conduct my own, for who should replace the vicar when he finally obeys God’s call. And the results are as follows:
Derek Nimmo 45%
Dawn French 23%
Tom Hollander 18%
Richard Coles 17%
Lib Dems 8%
David Mitchell 7%
Giles Fraser 2%
I have written to Fr Nimmo offering him the job if he wants it, but sadly have had no response.
Melonesia MacMagnum, Carriage Way, Woodby Chapel End
I have written a new poem for the General Election.
“THE NATION’S DILEMMA”
Doubt like gossamer blows across fair Albion
Nicola Sturgeon smiles and weighs her votes
The fishers, anxious, wonder if they will keep their boats
When, Brexecuted, Britain on free water floats.
Anxiety sweeps this desperate orb
From East to West the people rise
As Theresa May – gray-faced with age-old eyes
Watches Labour’s vote head for the skies.
And the beat of the world
Neath humanity’s noise
Continues – incessant, sempiternal, hypnotic.
Stuff the climate!
Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill
What has happened to the banner for the Church Fête?
What on earth is a Church Fate? Apart from decline and eventual closure, obviously.
Xavier de Quincy Somerville-Shepard, Sheep Close, Lt Tremlett