Letters to the Church Magazine – July 2016

Dear Sir

Candles are expensive. We use two candles on the altar, two around the altar, and two for the acolytes. That’s six candles lit every week. It soon adds up.

I have invented viable solar-powered candles by embedding LED lights into the tops of wax candles, and solar panels and batteries into the candlesticks. Their use would save an average of £14.22 per annum. Services would have to be shorter in the winter, but nobody would mind.

In the course of my experiments I have run up some expenses. I therefore include an invoice for £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester Street


Dear Sir

The middle of the summer and still we have not seen a nudist bishop, despite all the promises earlier in the year.

This is not what I pay my entrance fee for.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett


Dear Sir

My seventeen-greats grandfather built Woodby Chapel so he could have a church conveniently placed next to his house. He then knocked down all the copyholders’ cottages so he did not have to put up with the site and smell of the peasants, except on Sundays and at Christmas.

And yet, when I asked the vicar if we could hold our Sunday service on Mondays, when he is less busy, he said he was afraid not.

If one cannot get one’s own clergy to do what they are told, I no longer know what the Church of England stands for.

Yours etc

Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.


Dear Sir

So many people telling us how great it was to celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday with a special church service.
A special united benefice-and-ecumenical church service. If it had not been that the people from all the other churches refused to turn up, St Mary’s could have been full.
On balance, I am glad we marked her Majesty’s 90th. But I hope we do not do it every year.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

In my 66th year as Church Warden, people often ask me how I manage to keep St Leodegarius so neat and tidy.

It’s simple. I have persuaded the local builders that I am a witch, and they carry out free maintenance as long as I do not put a curse on them.

Obviously, I am just using simple suggestion. And the week that Young Larry the bricklayer spent as a 6 foot tall Rhode Island Red chicken was a coincidence.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby


Dear Sir

I would like to apologise for the Children’s Church presentation of “Our Glorious Queen” at the 90th Birthday service.

In our rehearsals they had pretended to be corgies, they waved Union Jacks and sang “Happy Birthday Dear Ma’am.” I suspect they got their ideas from Mr Corbyn, the “trendy” teacher at Tremlett Primary. But calling for “class war” and a republic. and demanding that the “Hanoverian leeches cease feeding on the blood of the working class” was definitely not in the script the previous Sunday.

Yours etc

Cassandra Chamois, Peanut Cottage, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I heard that the wardens at Woodby were having trouble with bats.

Bats can be seen as a nuisance – their droppings mean that all items of value have to be covered, and they make an awful mess on the church floor. But they are rare animals, and protected by law.

That is why I nipped in when the church was unlocked and shot the lot with an air gun. Figured that would save the vicar and church wardens a lot of trouble.

Ask no questions etc….

Yours etc

The “Masked Avenger”


Dear Sir

An apology and a plea, after last month’s celebration of  Her Majesty’s 90th Birthday.

I now know that by “Joint Service”, what was meant was a service with our ecumenical friends, and the other parishes in the benefice.

I realised my mistake when, handing out a few spliffs, people pointed out to me that the Health Act 2006 made the tobacco element illegal in church. Also, the Baptists complained, thinking it was incense. Although when I handed out the “turbo chocolate brownies”  instead, I did get an invitation to contribute to the next fete cake stall.

As a result of my mistake, and the subsequent raid by Her Majesty’s Constabulary (ironic considering whom we were celebrating) I am £100 worse off. Also I now have quite a lot of space in my greenhouse. So if anyone has a few tomato plants they can let me have, I will be grateful.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

In the light of the Referendum result I am sad to announce that our old friends the Club des Randonneurs  de St Cast will not be accepting our annual invitation to join the Trim Valley Trotters on the annual “Friendship Wamble”.

On the bright side, we didn’t really like them. It’ll be a relief to do the rounds without them this year.

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett


Dear Sir

At this summer time, our thoughts turn to the seaside; the hills; foreign travel; encountering interesting people and new and exotic customs. In accordance with this, I have been inspired to write this short haiku, as a variant on my normal, more traditional poetic style.

“A partridge dreams of summer”

Death death death

Death death death death death

Death death death.

Wishing everybody a restful summer holiday.

Yours etc

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

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