Letters to the Church Magazine – June 2016

Dear Sir

I would like to apologise for my behaviour at the service with the Archdeacon.

I misheard the service name and thought it was the Swearing-at of Churchwardens. I’m afraid I let a whole year of frustration at the state of the memorials on the North Wall go to my head.

I was appropriately admonished after the service by Revd Joanna, from whom I learnt a few words I could have done with knowing beforehand.

Yours etc

Anna Kee, Chafing Lane, Woodby, UK

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Dear Sir

Having attended the Youth Services over the last two months my fears have been allayed.

Thanks to the guiding hand of the Vicar, the “modern” songs included were Lord of the Dance and Shine Jesus shine, both played by Mavis on the harmonium. I believe we have subverted a dangerous movement just in time.

I am pleased to hear that another dangerously modern song, “Will You come and Follow Me”, has been put on the back burner. Mavis believes she will not be able to cope with it until after her hip replacement.

Yours etc

Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett

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Dear Sir

I hear that the Vicar has banned the jumble stall from this month’s fete on the grounds that all the jumble has spent the last seventy years in the jumble cupboard in the church hall, only coming out for fetes where nobody buys it.

I am outraged. The jumble stall, selling the same mouldy clothes every summer, has been woven into the fabric of this parish. If we lose the jumble stall, we may as well let the tower fall and sell the nave off to the Scientologists.

This means we will have only the crockery stall, the coconut shy and the tombola. Truly a fete worse than death.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett

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Dear Sir

I dropped into the Great Tremlett Bell Ringer’s meeting last week again. I am rather confused.

A load of people I have never seen in church, all wearing sweaters and ringing bells. Where do they go when the service starts? Do the wardens lock them in the bell tower until the next practice?

Yours etc

Rt Hon Alicia Cholmondley-Cholmonley, Cholmondeley Manor, Woodby Chapel End.

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Dear Sir

According to the vicar’s sermon last Sunday, we are supposed to be opening up the church to the “Gentiles”. I don’t know who the Gentiles are, but they sound dreadful – apparently they don’t know the Bible, worship sheep, and are violently opposed to God’s prophets.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather we kept the Gentiles out of Church completely, thank you very much. They’d probably make an awful mess.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

According to the diocesan training programme, there are certificates for lay worship leading, preaching, children’s work, evangelism, church administration and leading small groups in Bible study. I think these courses are an utter waste of time.

If the vicar didn’t learn all this in three years at theological college, why are we expecting him to go on all these courses now, when he should be ministering to people?

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby

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Dear Sir

With the introduction of the Psychoactive Substances Bill, I became concerned. The church is fill of incense. And what is incense if not something that stimulates the nervous system? I know it stimulates mine.

Therefore I had to take action before Cromwell’s agents appeared in the Trim Valley. I decided the best thing to do was to hide the incense in an Aubrey.

I would like to apologise to Aubrey. He has been very forgiving. And explained that what I really ought to do was put the incense in an Aumbry. Different word entirely.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

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Dear Sir

As the weather warms and we are into the season of open-air fund raising, can I be the first to make the joke about a fete worse than death.

Yours etc

Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill

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Dear Sir

You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

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Dear Sir

This is a close-knit community. Everybody knows everybody else, and there are many people whose families have been in the Trim Valley for hundreds of years.

So we have decided it was safest to close the Trim Valley Singles Group. At least until we get the Little Tremlett church minibus repaired, and can bus them to Banbury in search of new bloodlines.

Yours etc

Romilly Randers, Cave Road, Little Tremlett

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Dear Sir

In these quiet days after Trinity, it would be ideal to introduce a new martyr’s commemoration. Remembering someone gentle, innocent and viciously murdered in cold blood.

I refer of course to Harambe the Gorilla. If the Pope will not bring forward his canonization, despite the outcry of millions of people across the world – who will surely remember this outrage for years to come, and not the normal Social Media 10 minutes – then at least we can rename St Mary’s as Saint Harambe’s? Or maybe St Simian the Zealot’s.

Yours etc

Barbara E Ape, “Tiggywinkles”, Meadow Leys.