Letters to the Church Magazine – May 2015

Dear Sir

A lovely Easter Sunday celebration. Although somewhat spoiled for me by the choice of font for the Service sheet. Does the vicar really think that a 12 pt “Calibri” is suitable for the celebration of the resurrection?

I used to be in the Ministry Division. We would never have tolerated this. 

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir

I would like to apologise for my behaviour on Easter morning.

I had panic-bought a lot of Cadbury’s Creme Eggs on Easter Saturday, realising that we were at the end of their sale season. The Dumpling family have an old tradition of sitting up “watching” from sunset on Good Friday until sunrise on Easter Sunday. And the time hangs slowly, so I decided to eat one of the eggs. And then another. Until I had eaten four display boxes.

Hence when I arrived on Easter Sunday, it is fair to say I had what I believe is called a “sugar rush”. I would like to apologise for throwing all the toys out of the children’s corner, shouting “why can’t we play with these? Don’t discriminate against us old people!”

No member of the Dumpling family has been thrown from a church building since my Great Uncle Arnold was caught impersonating a vicar. Thus ending his eight years as incumbent. I can only apologise to Revd Joanne, who I accused of having murdered the Easter Bunny. And the choir (whose robes I set fire to with a candle), and the bell ringers, one of whom I believe is still hiding in the tower.

I will never behave like this again in an act of divine worship.Those Church Wardens have a very strong grip on one’s elbow.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

The new “Trim Valley Prayer” group resumes after our Easter break. During Lent, we met every Tuesday to pray that, like our Lord, the vicar might go into the wilderness for a new vision of where and what his calling might be.

Although myself and Dr Ireland have invited the Vicar to attend, sadly it continues to be his day off.

In May we shall be praying for the Lord to send the following on our congregations:

5th : “At this time of elections, a vision of how God rejects ungodly leaders”.

12th: “Discernment between strong and weak leadership”

19th: “An understanding of the parable of the wolves in sheep’s clothing”

26th: We shall be reading Acts 27-28 and using this as the basis for our discussion theme: “Adrift, helpless, rudderless and heading for the rocks”.

Yours etc

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

The old days have sadly passed. It is a long time since Great Tremlett celebrated the ancient feast of “Squirreltide”. In the days between Low Sunday and Ascension, the young boys of the village would roam the hedgerows, catching squirrels for the grand “Squirrel Supper”.

The vicar of Great Tremlett in 1884, my great-grandfather Obadiah Snodgrass, had to suppress the celebration after evidence mounted that the annual treat had led to a disease called “Squirrel Brain”. But that was the red squirrel. Surely we can, on a good scientific basis, catch and eat squirrels just like the old days?

Let the feast begin! Squeak!

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.


Dear Sir 

One again, the PCC has refused to accept my offer for them to come and join in our May Day celebration.
I realise that, at the advanced age of most of the PCC members, dancing naked in the dews of Beltane Dawn may not be appealing. But surely, if a Church claims to be in favour of the Ecumenical movement, it cannot reject a tradition that has been in these islands since at least 1983, when I founded the Tremlett Coven on the basis of reading “The Golden Bough”?

It is too late for May Day now, but maybe the church could consider joining us for our Midsummer festivities? The goat is fattening nicely.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Every Easter Sunday, the date changes. This results in us having to print new service sheets for what is, essentially, the same service every year.

I have calculated that, if we printed the next 100 years of service sheets off in advance, and simply wrote in the date, we could save up to £44 over the century. This would of course preclude us ever using any new hymns for 100 years. So that is two great gains over the current system.

In the course of driving to many local printers to back up my investigations, I have of course incurred some expenses. I therefore include an invoice for the treasurer to the value of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

I’m too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy that it hurts.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby


Dear Sir

It is often said that rural churches – such as we in Grilsby – are behind the times. Unable to adapt. Solemn and staid.
Well, no more. On 12th May we at Grilsby will be entering a new era. Challenging stereotypes. Balancing on the leading edge of extreme sports.

Yes, “Hassock Jenga”. Can you remove the hassock from the 12-foot high stack without bringing the whole pile crashing – or, rather, squidging – down on your head?

It has been suggested that 45 years of accumulated dust since the hassocks were sewn – during which the folk of St Audrey’s, Grilsby have resolutely refused to kneel under any circumstances – might mean that there is a serious risk of allergy-related hazard in our game. Well I say – bring it on! If there is no danger of a sport bringing on a case of incapacitating coughing, what’s the point of playing?

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

On Easter Tuesday, it suddenly struck me that nobody has adequately explained how the Resurrection relates to the First Law of Thermodynamics.

Whom would one phone in such a tricky circumstance? Obviously, the vicar. So I dialled Revd Nathan, leaving a 10-minute explanation of the issues concerned on his voicemail. Naturally I assumed he would return my call.

In the event he phoned me back the following week, to discuss my issue. Now I know that he had been quite busy with school services the week before Holy Week, and the round of four or five services a day during Holy Week was busy. Especially five “meditations at the Cross” on Good Friday, and the children’s workshop. And then he did take services at 7pm Holy Saturday at Gt Tremlett, 9pm at Woody, 11pm at Woodby Chapel End, the sunrise service on Spy Hill, the 8am at Woodby, 9.30 at Great Tremlett, 11am at Woodby Chapel End and Evensong at “Great” again.

And, of course, the 2am “Watch through the Night” service here at Grilsby.We have always loved the 2am “Watch through the Night”. It is part of the fabric of the parish – a living tradition that goes back 300 years.

But everybody had Easter Monday off! How did he need a whole week? I didn’t waste my time phoning Revd Joanne to ask her my question – she knows about physics, and just tells me not to be so stupid. But back to the vicar. Apart from anything else, I know that nobody turned up at the “Watch through the Night” service. So he could have cut the sermon short. He should learn to have some flexibility.

Yours etc

Dolbey Noize-Reduction, Red Barn Lane, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

Once again the gremlins have struck the advertisement I put in the Social Committee section of the church magazine.

The event at Woodby Grange was on train-spotting, not “witch-ducking”. That tradition died out in 1983. Still, amazing to see how much water was absorbed by the anorak of our guest speaker, Mr Burton Dasset!

Yours etc 

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby.


Dear Sir

Dear Sir – at the days lengthen in this blessed springtime, my thoughts go back to the old days in the village.

On May Eve, the young girls of the valley (though not young Mildred, who used to be up on Spy Hill dancing in the nude) used to go into the woods to pick bluebells, to determine who would be their husband. Many maidens would marry their young man during the July of that year – and the birth rate at the end of the following February would always sky rocket. Oddly, these children were always remarkably bonny for premature babies, and would often look a lot like the Squire. It was a tradition for the Squire to go into Banbury at the end of April, and withdraw a lot of ten pounds notes from the bank. Nobody every knew why.

Ah, the old ways pass away.

Yours etc

Dicky Vickers, Church Rise, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

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One thought on “Letters to the Church Magazine – May 2015

  1. Pingback: Religion and law round-up – 31st May | Law & Religion UK

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