Letters to the Church Magazine – March 2015

Dear Sir

I am writing to protest at the decision by Great Tremlett PCC to print the Church notice sheets on green paper, as an assistance to people with dyslexia.

If Our Lord had worried about these dyslexics, he would never have had the Gospel of St Mark printed on high-grade white paper, 12 font Times New Roman.

We have quite enough dyslexics coming into the country, and demanding special rights. If they want to read scriptures on green paper, they should have stayed in Dyslexia. I will be voting UKIP in May.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.

Dear Sir

The shops are full of Cadburys Creme Eggs and it is barely Lent! I confess that I saw this as disgraceful commercial opportunism in what is supposedly a Christian country.

However then I heard the Vicar’s sermon explaining that we should not give up “unhealthy” foods and activities during Lent – as we should be shunning these at all times. Rather we should be eschewing things that are by nature good, so we can celebrate them at Easter.

Therefore I have given up all healthy food and am restricting my intake of calories to gin and Creme Eggs.

For the first week, I spent the whole time convinced I was a hibernating squirrel. However I now feel much better. And I am pleased to say I have already amassed a decent supply of Waitrose peeled hazelnuts, to get me through next winter.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

It is well known that the Bible contains many examples of prophets being called to tell religious leaders of their failings. Amos and Malachi, in particular, are resolute in their condemnation of the spiritual powers-that-be.

Accordingly, Dr Ireland and I have nailed our objections to the current regime in the Trim Benefice to the vicar’s door. We have invited him to respond, but his objections that “people are happy with the ministry here. Attendances are up at three of the churches. We had 24 confirmations last year, and everybody has agreed that the reordering at Grilsby Church was sensitive, enhanced the sense of worship, and provided a great community facility used by several voluntary local groups” hardly outweighs the fact that he insists on wearing a chasuble to lead communion, and never denounces sinners by name during the notices.

I know that the Vicar has complained that we affixed what he calls our “95 whinges” to the door with a nail gun. Obviously we wanted to make it clear that we take these issues seriously. But I would like to apologise to Alf Browning, the postman. I’m told it took two days to remove him from the door, and he still has number 95 – “That the handshakes are too limp and un-English during the Peace” attached to him.

Still, our holy mission continues.

Yours etc

Mellissa Sparrow (Mrs), The Hollow, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

Sex! Sex! Sex! The “Song of Solomon” is full of it! It’s absolutely filthy! Why do we have it included in our Bibles? And why do we never get to study it at House Group Bible Study?

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road, Gt Tremlett.

Dear Sir

Some of the PCC have complained, I believe, about the bonfire in the Churchyard at Lammas. Well, Lammas is an old English feast, and we wiccans got there first. I would like to apologise to the vicar, however. I never dreamed that our Lammas Flames would reach the massive pile of old notice sheets he had collected for recycling. And parked his car next to.

Still, cars are an evil that the industrial age has inflicted on our green and pleasant land. And although the combustion of Nathan’s car, and the resultant blackening of the church porch (and removal of the majority of the thatch) is not altogether a good result – at least he will not be pouring his pollution out onto our streets anymore. And cycling around a hilly benefice with five villages will be very good for him.

Really, the vicar should thank me.

Yours etc

Mildred Flossett (Mothers’ Union Branch Secretary), Jasmine Road, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

A timely reminder!  Although the sun is growing stronger at this time of year, nonetheless the weather is still changeable and inclined to sudden cold snaps – a warming to walkers and gardeners alike!

My old grandfather always used to say “Ne’er cast a clout till May is out”. I have always followed his advice to the letter. However, once May is out, I ensure I am entirely nude until October.

Yours etc

Roland Yoland, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

The recent  conflagration of unused notice sheets at Great Tremlett,, although bad news for the vicar’s insurers, has drawn a great untapped source of energy to my notice.

The amount of paper that the church consumes each week in unused or abandoned notice sheets, covenant envelopes, and copies of “Junior Praise”, is a remarkable and untapped energy source. I have worked out that, if we adapt the boiler at Grilsby from fuel oil to paper-burning, we could raise the temperature of the building at midwinter to a very reasonable 12 °C. This would take the combustion of 3,000 notice sheets, 77 covenant envelopes and an old “Sounds of Living Water”. So we had better get busy with the green notice sheets!

In the course of my investigations, I have of course incurred some expenses. I therefore include an invoice for the treasurer to the value of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I like the Vicar. Especially the graceful way he incorporates hand actions into the leading of Communion.

He’s got the moves like Jagger. He’s got the moves like Jagger.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

Why did the Vicar not celebrate St Valentine on the nearest Sunday to the 14th February? Of all Jesus’ disciples, Valentine gets least attention in the Gospels – and yet he is the one who is the most fun.

I was really looking forward to the “Peace”. I figured I might be able to get a quick grapple with Chorlton in the choir.

Oh well, maybe next year.

Yours etc

Sadie Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

I apologise for my behaviour after the Stewardship talk from the Diocesan Financial Officer last week. Mr Radon is so inspiring – so good at explaining how, if God is the source of all our being, it is right to give of our best! But it was wrong of me to start pointing to all the people around me, shouting “Look at you! Freeloaders! You count on others to make up the slack you won’t take responsibility for! The church is going to fall down and it’s all your fault!

It was especially wrong, as I was sitting with the Sunday Club, whom I had just brought in for the “showing what we have done” time. I believe they have all stopped crying now.

Yours etc

Dolbey Noize-Reduction, Red Barn Lane, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

It’s a dark, cold time of year, so here’s a joke to lighten the mood!

Q – What’s black and right and red all over?

A – The vicar in his evensong cassock and surplice. The evil Communist that he is.

Yours etc

Tom Chancellor, Primrose Path, Woodby.

Dear Sir

As the days lengthen, I remember the old times around the village.

February and March was the time for planting potatoes. As soon as we thought that the frosts had passed, we would take the earlies out of the shed where they had been “chitting” and plant them carefully in the ground, looking forward to the minty taste of new potatoes come midsummer.

Of course, the weather at this time of the year is always erratic. You always worried that a late frost could kill off those tender shoots as they rose through the ground.

That was why Old Parson Bumble always used to run the “Choirmember’s Handicap” every 28th February. The slowest chorister would be sacrificed to the great god, Pan,  and buried under the potato patch as an offering for a good crop.

Ah, the old ways pass away.

Yours etc

Dicky Vickers, Church Rise, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


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