Letters to the Church Magazine – April 2014

Dear Sir

I note that the first equal, same-sex marriages are about to take place – indeed, will have done so by the time this letter is published. I am sure that all the readers of this magazine, and people throughout these parishes, will join me in welcoming them,  Those that say this law will bring typhoons, flooding and earthquakes to these islands are sadly deluded. I am no prophet, but I foresee a long political future for Maria Miller, the minister responsible.

I must break off now as an unexpected and remarkably local thunderstorm just knocked my chimney stack through the conservatory.

Yours etc

Martin Montague, “Duncruisin'”, Gt Tremlett


Dear Sir

Once again the Vicar has decided to take a fortnight off after Easter. He took the Sunday off after Christmas, and I am sure he was away in August, 2011. Is he deserting this benefice completely? It would seem he is neglecting Grilsby-on-the-Hill particularly. I notice he is only going to be with us over the Easter period on Palm Sunday, Holy Tuesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Eve for the vigil, Easter Day, and the usual scattering of Morning and Evening offices. How he could not fit us in on Holy Wednesday – when under his predecessor we used to hold a four-hour agape – is beyond me. Apart from the five school assemblies and the three Stations of the Cross he is conducting at some of his more-favoured churches, he appears to have little to do that day.

Yours etc

Kenneth Cornwallis, Green Street, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

What has gone wrong with Woodby? The doctor’s surgery, the pub, the post office, the Unitarian chapel and the greengrocer’s have all closed since I moved into the village, to be converted into housing. Mark my words, if we continue to allow rich incomers to buy our local services for development, this village is doomed. The council must act now.

Yours etc

Maureen Maurice, “The Old Bakehouse”, Old Red Lion Court, Woodby. 


Dear Sir

It is with regret that the Woodby Chapel End Lads Cricket Team will have to withdraw from the annual 40-over cricket game against the gentlemen of Great Tremlett.

Now that the average age of the XI is over 80, the risk of injury is simply too high. We did ask if this year, to reduce the number of broken bones, we could play with a tennis ball. But Tremlett’s opening bowler, Bill “Bonecrusher” Smith, the blacksmith, just laughed.

Yours etc

Sydney Waddington, “The Elms” Care Home, Woodby Chapel End 


Dear Sir

So now in order to “move with the times”, we at Great Tremlett have invested in a collection of “Complete Mission Praise“.

This seems a presumptuous name. What happens if somebody now writes another song? What happens if “Mission Praise” decides to create a new book? The title of this latest edition will be proven to be the hostage to fortune it clearly is.

Only if my next-door neighbour at “Tweezers” is right will this book really be the “ultimate collection'”. He is convinced that the world will end in April. Of course, he is entitled to his opinion. I just wish he would stop coming round and whitewashing my windows.

Yours etc

Lily Bonsall, St Botolph’s View, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


Dear Sir

After eating four Cadbury’s Creme Eggs in the first week of Lent, I decided to make a virtue out of a necessity, and eat only those confectionery items for the remainder of this holy season. In order to maintain a healthy calorific intake, this has necessitated eating twelve per day.

I was three weeks before the hallucinations really kicked in. But now there are large spiders all over the house, and I cannot get out the back door because the vicar has parked his Blue Whale on the patio.

Please can you ask him to move it? The horse has been needing to go for a walk now for two days, and it is starting to pace around the study.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett


Dear Sir

I hear that the vicar has been “tweeting” again. I heartily approve. It is important that he keeps up to date with modern technology.

Also, I believe that the Twitter broadcasting apparatus only allows messages of up to 140 letters. Some say it would be a great idea for Nathan to become even more modern, and restrict his sermons to the same length! Of course, I do not approve of these comments, and would be last to spread such ideas around.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby


Dear Sir

By the time this letter should have been published, the first same-sex so-called “marriages” will have occurred. Thus the last nail is hammered into the coffin of English Christianity.

Mark my words, if this is allowed, men will be marrying their own shubunkin fish next. I have a pondful of shubunkins myself, and I have made careful arrangements to ensure that they inherit as much as possible of my estate tax-free, via the use of a trust fund located in the island of Jersey. I have no need to enter into any other kind of immoral arrangements to provide for their future. Especially now this law has been passed, which greatly increases the chances that we will all shortly die in a cataclysmic cataclysm.

I claim to be no prophet. But I can confidently predict that the next edition of the Church magazine, which this letter should be in, will never see the light of day. I am convinced that the vicarage, tainted by Rev Nathan’s gay-loving declaration that “he would have to think and pray about these things”, will be among the first buildings to be destroyed by fire from on hire.

Yours etc

Tom Cobley-Anhall, “Tweezers”, Grilsby-on-the-Hill


One thought on “Letters to the Church Magazine – April 2014

  1. ” I am no prophet, but I foresee a long political future for Maria Miller, the minister responsible.”
    Maybe the doom sayers were right after all…


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