Letters to the Church Magazine – February 2014

Dear Sir

Why did we once again have to celebrate the feast of “Candlemass”?  When the vicar introduced it in 2012, he never mentioned it would be an annual event. I presumed it was a one-off – or at least something that only happened when the Olympics were on. Now it turns out that it is part of a “Church Calendar”, whatever that is.

If we do not nip this in the bud quickly, we will be Roman Catholics before you know it.

Yours etc

Sabrine Smith-Greggson, The Mews, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

While all the talk is of gay priests and women bishops, I notice that the grass in Little Tremlett churchyard has not been cut since last autumn.

When are we going to get our priorities right?

Yours etc

Solomon Snodgrass, Station Road.

Dear Sir

I read the news today. Oh boy.

Yours etc

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

I am convinced that, in his sermon on “the salt of the earth” on the 9th inst, Revd Nathan implied that he believed in the 4th Century heresy of Monarchian Modalism. However, when I demanded after the service that he show me his sermon notes or face being reported to the Bishop, it appeared to be ship-shape and Nicene fashion, as we used to say at theological college. Of course, those were holier times, after the War but before the rot set in with the permissive 60s.

I am convinced, however, that what he said is not what he wrote. Can I request that, in order that I can ensure my successors adhere at all times to the Faith once delivered to the Apostles, all sermons in the benefice are recording using the new cassette-recording technology. I can then replay them at my leisure to check them for theological deviation.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby

Dear Sir

I love the Advent Fayre at Gt Tremlett! The Chutney competition stall is such a great local tradition. But I always hate to disappoint the people who make the entries.

Back in November, I bought seventeen jars of chutney from the different makers. This morning, six jars exploded. The cat had a narrow escape, and Mrs Chelsea next door came running in, screaming that the Welsh had invaded again.

This cannot be allowed to happen again. For this year’s Advent Fayre, can I ask that the organisers restrict the entrants to just half a dozen? I really cannot go through that experience again.

Yours etc

Mandy Handley, St John’s Close

Dear Sir

I have just eaten my first Easter Egg – before it is even Lent! I think this is disgusting.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Once again the Vicar has “treated” us to a sermon on tithing. He mentioned that the Church of England would like us to give 5% of our income to the church – and another 5% to charities and good causes of our choice.

I have never been so insulted in my life! If I were to take Revd Nathan seriously, this would imply I earn £20 per week. I am far better-paid than that. Please amend this advice immediately.

Yours etc

Chas “Charlie” Charkles, Hanged Man’s Close, Gt Tremlett.


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