Protecting Traditional Marriage

I went for a bit of a wander up to Grilsby-on-the-Hill when I found I was locked out of Evensong on account of not being in the right village. But the good news is – “The Quiet Woman” is open of a Monday evening. I popped in for a quick blackberry Pimms, prior to walking back down the hill, and listened in to the local chat.

“Gozzer” was defending, in the face of the current legislation, the idea of “Traditional Marriage”. Obviously, this was Traditional Marriage as defined in Grilsby-on-the-Hill. Where it turns out that the definition of Traditional Marriage is as follows:

  1. The Young Folk concerned run out into the meadows on a balmy evening in June (or, as it may be, July)
  2. The Young Woman concerned becomes concerned.
  3. The Father of the Young Woman becomes concerned, and checks that the Traditional Shotgun still works.
  4. The parents of the Young Man concerned become concerned, and phone the vicar.
  5. The White Wedding is hastily arranged.
  6. It is followed 7 months later by the Unusually Large Allegedly Premature Child.
  7. Tradition is satisfied, and everything goes on as normal

It all seems a bit stressy to me, but I suppose that tradition is important. And, of course, it does supplant the Traditional Marriage they used to have around these parts, which used to involve assessing the maiden’s eligibility according to the number of heifers she was worth. Not all progress was bad.


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